When the stars have all gone out, you'll still be burning so bright.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

The world is dying.

Wake up, and look around you. Mother Nature is heaving her last breath, trying valiantly to plough on, when each setback is causing her to slow down the pace of recovery for the Earth. And yet, every single day, we slash wounds into the Earth, bruising, beating her. Every time Mother Nature is knocked down, she gets up almost immediately and repairs the damage. But yet, someday, the damage that we create with our very own hands are going to catch up with us. Oh yes, it may not happen in our generation, but our grandchildren? Our greatgrandchildren? Is the world just going to collapse one day without warning, leaving them stranded in the middle of the universe, helpless. Slowly, one bye one, they begin to die.

Is that what is going to happen? Can we prevent it? Are we able to, in time?

Time can heal everything. Wounds, emotional or physical, would be lost in the endless warp of time. What if, one day, time just folds back on itself? We will be traveling to the future, back to the past, then to the future again. Another scenario: What if we keep living the same nightmare again? What if, every single day, we watch the same awful things happen; getting fired, seeing someone committing suicide, getting robbed. Every single day, we experience the same things happening over and over again without any knowledge or power to change the consequences. Instead, we can only watch, helpless, as they happen to us like that. What about it? What will happen to the world, to us?

Being this way; thinking this way, is there any wonder that I would prefer the company of you guys to solitude? I think weird thoughts, frightening ones. If the world was to adhere to my thoughts, I'll be living a nightmare for the rest of my life.

That's why, I need something to block my thoughts, to silence the endless buzzing of endless possibilities pounding through my brain. To distract myself, to pull my attention to another event happening in my life. Insignificant or significant, at least it proves as a modecum of distraction for me and my weird mind. XD

So, this completes yet another random post of my blog. How funny what things you can actually write in a post!! Probably in another two months (if my blog lasts that long) I'll be going, "Whoa, did I actually write that?" while scrutinising my blog posts. Or I may just laugh it off and think, "I'm so drama last time?!" We'll never know what'll happen to Rayne in two months time. (:

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 11:07 PM

I updated the friends links at the "darlinks" column. (: Finally, after some many days, I finally got the initiative to do it. I've been slacking alot. XD

I love our class tee..!!! The designs are just so nice, thanks to Teesh and Jazz. X)) Can't wait to wear it to Netball Carn tmr!

Today, we had our CLE courses, and I went for the Social Development one. It was quite fun, actually. The speaker was really enthusiastic, and she made us laugh a lot by telling us tales about Elvis Presley (don't ask) and her friend's son, and her own children.

Just a bit of digression: Sarah, do you remember when we played the name game, and Swetha said, "Elvin Presley"?? X))) That was really funny!!

Okay, back to the course. We had this warm up game, when we have to say "buzz" for multiples of 3 and numbers with 3 in it. Something like 7-up. We had to count all the way 'til 40, and whosoever who did not buzz when she is supposed to, says it too slowly or fumbles with the numbers have to be eliminated. And then we have to start all over again.

I'm proud to say that I didn't get eliminated..!! And we successfully reached 40. (: And then she talked about self-esteem and peer pressure...and we got to toss around a teddy bear. Which was really fun too! And we had to role-play and things...

Today, I found the audition okay. I really, really wish that we would go in..but Joni just MSNed me to tell me that we DIDN'T. But why?? How come??? Where are the results being put up, anyway? ><

(EDIT: Joni said that Talia told her. And Talia said that they were playing with 107, and they told her. So basically, THERE IS NO CONCRETE EVIDENCE. And anyway, if anyone should know, it should be Mandi, because she gave her contacts. So we still have hope, guys..!!!)

Kami-sama, please, please please allow us to get in. PLEASE. I really don't want to get beaten up or fall down on purpose (which hurts A LOT, for your info) just to not get in. And I found JX's script really good, too!! So please, please please...

Oh nooo. Okay, I'm not going to worry now. I have more things to worry about at the present. But still, SHEESH!! Cool down, cool down...

I need a glass of ice water. :(

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 7:25 PM

Monday, October 30, 2006

I want to reply to Muni's post. (I actually wanted to tag, but then I thought that I had tagged enough already. XD)

..What she said was true. As in, we didn't have a really meaningful talk before (just some trivial stuff) and well, because of Nancy's delay, we did today. (: And yepp, she's the second to know my secret! (Including Gracey, but that's because I told her. XD) Muni's really smart, she figured out the whole she-bang all by herself.

But one clarification: I did not go home because I couldn't play netball, or that my foot really, really hurts bad suddenly in the middle of the day. :( When I was in the classroom, I just..snapped. Okay, that didn't turn out really well! I was feeling blue already, so when I went into the classroom I just became irrational again. What a convinient excuse for me. (: But yes..that's the gist of it.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, it's okay, because I don't know either anyway! XD I could tell you the reason explicitly, but I don't want to. Firstly, it sounds stupid. Secondly, I don't like to post my private reasons for everyone to know anyway. So...you just have to make a wild guess, I suppose. (:

My blog's slowing down already... I think I have to remove one song at least. Sighh. By tomorrow, you would not see the Rainie Yang song already...

Kind of sad, but never mind. "If you don't throw the old out, the new ones won't come in!" Chinese quote, translated rather roughly. At times, I agree, but at times, I don't. Because some of these old things have sentimental value okay..!! Or why would people value antiques, the older the better?

I want a movie fest!! Guys, organise a movie fest!!! XD

That was random, I know. I can't help it! As the days go by, memories just pop up inside my mind, like the dare you guys made me do before the EOYs, which was to shout "I love you!" to a random guy across the field. XD And then...there are just so many of them! (Btw, Gracey, when are we going to play Squishy Handball again? :) ) So, you can forgive me for being a little random, right?

Ending off...now!

Rayne

P.S: I hate waiting for you. I wish you'd reply sooner, but there's nothing I can do about it. I'm not going to inquire, or probe about anything anymore. But...at least, can you reply? Please? I really don't want to bring it up in front of everyone, neither am I going to keep prodding you to reply. I'm not that desperate (well....) and I don't want to seem that desperate. (Am I?) So, please? I think you did access your email, but...I can't be sure. Thank you.

Actually, by writing it out to everyone to see, I really do seem desperate, don't I? XD

Where dreams were made; 9:13 PM

YES!! Blogger is back!

^^

Okay, I've posted almost all the emo stuff on my livejournal! So I'm going to be determinedly cheerful for the rest of the week, at least until I'm out of earshot and sight. Well then...

I STILL need to do my silly, stupid digital portfolio. Actually, I've done most of it today except for the backgrounds and linkage of the pictures. But then....somehow Gracey's thumbdrive did not register ALL of my backgrounds, my pages, my pictures AND my video. SHEESH. So not I have to start all over again. At least the content is not missing. Or else I'll really cry.

Luckily the deadline's extended.

I really really like the song for the Howl MV that I put up. I put it inside my livejournal too! When I was walking home today I suddenly replayed the song in my head while trudging through the field..and I suddenly felt like crying.

Ahh...emo, emo Rayne.

Thanks Muni for talking to me today while we were waiting for Nancy to finish (which by the way took OVER AN HOUR) and congrats on solving what I really meant on my blog posts!! ^^ And getting you to play that kiddy chinese game with me... XD

Anyway, in the end, I still went home alone. (:

Hey Gracey, did you finally tied up your shoelace? X))

I am considering putting up some more songs on my melodies column, but afraid that it would cause the loading to be slow. Hmm. Maybe I should just go ahead with it and then deal with the problem later. Because some songs are just so nice...unless I remove the songs from my own column and put in new ones...

T.T

We shall see!! That is, if I have time. Tomorrow's tuesday, and it's the AUDITION!!! I still don't know what I'm supposed to wear as the beggar's father. Go 112!! Let's make this the most spectacular performance of our Sec 1 year, and leave behind another wonderful memory.

I'm getting nervous already. XD

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 6:14 PM

Sunday, October 29, 2006

CONGRATS MANDI AND SHIING, OUR GOLDEN COUPLE!!!!

When I returned 'round 6+, I immediately went to my bed and slept until 7.15. When I woke up, I got a terrible headache, and my head is feeling woozy.

So can this, technically, be considered as my first hangover from soft drinks?

Sheesh. All I can see are stars in front of my eyes, and I start my instinctive blinking. Which is about two times faster then my original pace.

blinkblinkblinkblinkblinkblinkblinkblink...

Okay, I'm positive that I'm going crazy. And that I am really really really abnormal.

Ah well. Tomorrow's the starting of the last week of school, and I'm still not feeling ready to see 112 disband.

I have to get myself ready. At least, that's what I've been saying last week. But throughout last week, my heart was saying, okay, fine, I understand. But just, for a little longer, let me delude myself in thinking that we are still staying together, that we won't seperate that soon.

I don't take seperations easily. I have not yet learnt to insulate myself against them. So then, is being able to feel numb when you need it part of growing up? When we become adults, when we leave, we would be able to just smile and say goodbye, and not think about it afterwards?

I'd hate to be like that. Then when someone asks, "What school were you from?" I'll reply flippantly, "Oh, some school. I can't remember which." I mean, wouldn't you? Being like that, emotionless because you can't even remember the pain of leaving, which person would want to be like that?

Well, fine, some people would. But any memory of places, events or people, even though they hurt so much to remember would be welcome. Because of the fact that they had touched my heart, I can't ignore that they had happened, and so they would be fresh and poignant in my heart. But to relate or think of things emotionlessly or to say it just because you know they had happened somehow; I would not want to become that sort of person.

But...back to the problem of letting go. I need to know how.

Even though I may know, it's so hard! To train yourself to numb yourself from the pain, it's too hard, even more painful then meeting the pain head on. I...can't do it. Can you?

I once thought I could, that somehow, I would be able to, that I am strong enough. But in the end, I'm just so weak, I can't do it. I used to be able to at my most cynical moments, but afterwards..I was just so exhausted, I can't do anything else.

I am...someone who isn't....

Can someone complete that sentence for me?

Rayne.

Where dreams were made; 7:34 PM

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Howl's Moving Castle - Iris

A MV of Howl's Moving Castle!!

Good gosh, I'm going nuts. o.O

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 5:14 PM

Howl is just pure <33...

Okay, I know I'm going bonkers over an anime character but you SHOULD JUST SEE HIM!!! He is just so awesome, and so nice towards Sophie...

I really, really want to get that DVD and watch it over and over and over again....

Oh man. Is that what is known as a gushing movie review? But it's not really considered a review because well..I didn't want to make a review. I just wanted to say how Howl is so handsome...<33

He is. He is very very handsome and cool, and if you've watched Spirited Away, this is just as good as Spirited Away, because it is being directed by the same director.

Pictures:

The poster of Howl's Moving Castle

Howl when he still had his blond hair..!!<33

Howl with his black/blue hair +Sophie (Sophie is still under the aging curse, but when she was young she was really pretty.)

I <33>

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 4:42 PM

Woke up with aching arms. Not to mention a bruise on my wrist AND elbow because I fell down too hard as the beggar's father.

Sometimes...I feel that I'm a loss for words. I have so many things to tell you, but somehow..

I don't understand. What am I supposed to be doing? I wander past each day, barely glancing at the physical world, only occasionally writing down events that I really liked in this blog. Yet, afterwards, I'll almost resort back to what I feel, what my thoughts are.

Can this be counted...as being superficial?

Am I superficial? By writing my feelings down everyday, the same feelings I feel, are they counted as being superficial?

Is it only because I'm seeking out attention, trying to be dramatic, or just finding something to write?

In truth, am I really as I claim, to have such emotions, to write such weird things about myself and how I feel?

I don't understand. I don't know anything anymore. What is real, and what is not? Is this life just a fantasy I'm reliving all over again? Is it possible for people to feel such things without even realising it?

I think I'm just abnormal. I think I am being VERY abnormal.

I can wake up with a tangle of emotions, and relive them at different parts of the day, letting each emotion drive me to its fullest before going on to the next one. My mood swings are so drastic, so irrational, that I don't even bear to contemplate what exactly caused them.

So am I superficial? I'll hate to think I am, that I'm just a facade, that I am false. Falsified in my appearance and character. Am I just feeding off some other character which I've seen before? So, in actual truth, this is not me?

Oh, sure, I'm unique. I'm unique because unlike every other human, I'm false.

Can I really think like that? Am I? I have such a huge inferiority complex. Then why do some of them say that I am confident?

Is that because..like everything with me, it's false too? False courage, false confidence, false me?

I did not write this post because I want pity, or consolations. Well, at least I think I'm not. I need to explore, to prod in sensitive areas and question the relevance of what I am doing. (Which, by the way, I don't even understand myself)

Another post describing my falsified feelings. Can't I do anything better, or different?

Apparently not.

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 10:04 AM

Friday, October 27, 2006

Whee. Fun, happy, happy day!!

Me, Nancy, Muni, Pearlyn, Celeste, Gracey and JX went bowling. I am really an amateur at bowling...^^;; The only time I remember going to seriously bowl is with Sarah and Co. But other then that, I really have no experience.

And so many of them went into the gutter...!!! Sheesh. I got this really weird cut on my thumb which was in the shape of a 6. o.O So I had to ask around for a plaster so that I can keep bowling without the pain.

The plaster got stuck to the bowling ball, and hindered me anyway. XD

With coaching from Pearlyn (which was a help) Nancy (which was no help at all; it only speeds up the ball entering the gutter) and Muni (which was a really, really great help, thank you!! ^^) I managed to hit the pins occasionally. XP So thank you, thank you for the effort of coaching me!

The songs at the bowling alley was really weird though. There's only one song that I really liked, and that's Eternal Flame which my mom used to sing to me as a lullaby. Me and Pearlyn sang it together (not harmoniously XD) with the song. And they had the Tarbet Mass Dance song too! But I've forgotten the steps already.

Muni is really so cute...every time the ball swerves to the extreme right or left, almost entering the gutter, she'll do the "Muni Dance", which is basically to use her hands to wave in the opposite direction of the rolling of the ball. I can't explain it; you have to be there to see it. XD

At one point, JX, after getting so fed up because her ball kept entering the gutter, dropped the ball instead of rolling it. And, very surprisingly, it rolled in a straight line, albeit a slow roll. I forgot whether it managed to hit down pins, but it was really funny. XD

And Nancy..okay, I better not say. In case she comes after me. (No, seriously, it's not anything bad!) But she was cute too. You should've seen her doing....

Okay, I really, really better not say. XP

In the end, after the first two games, almost everybody went into a reading spree. I had nothing to read, so I stole back my book which I had lent to Nancy, who has not read it yet. And for the last game, we goofed around by giving the bowling players weird names, and bowling with our left hands. XD

Then..we had dinner. JX dropped a sour berry down her shirt during the eating of the cake. XD She managed to retrieved it from her lap, however, and proceeded to EAT it. o.o Muni, I've checked with my mom; tiramisu cake does NOT have alcohol. So you can put your mind to rest now. (:

I didn't manage to do my digital portfolio though. The lab was PACKED with people. How am I ever going to finish by Tuesday?! This is not good. I have a bad feeling about this...

Anyway, I'm not going to let it spoil my mood now. Today is such a happy day for me..!! Thank you JX for such a nice birthday party...

I can't wait for Sunday to come!

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 10:49 PM

Thursday, October 26, 2006

As you can see, I am still alive. (:

So sorry, Sarah, Vivienne, Swetha, Nancy and Gracey. Seems like you won't get my possessions anymore.

I'm always so irrational around you, you know that? Everytime I see you, my feelings are so disconcerting. Is it just me, or do people who like you feel that way too?

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. The jaded bug left me (read my comb. blog) to be replaced by another virus? But then I've been having these effects for quite a long time...can it be cured?

Do I want it cured? :/

Today, in the morning in class, I realised...

You've always been the one controlling the pace, you know that?

Even though it is subconcious, you've asked me to back away and come as it suits you.

And just as unknowingly, I've obeyed blindly, always waiting for your next order for me to come close to you, to talk to you.

You're always swarmed by people, you know that? It's so hard to talk to you alone.

And even when I do...I don't know what to say. Now, that's strange. I have everything to say to JX, to Gracey, but not to you? I'm appalled. I had more confidence in my speaking skills.

But when I'm near you, I suddenly become tongue-tied. And at the same time, I berate myself for the umpteenth time, what's wrong with me?

Actually, I think I have a clear idea of what's happening to me. I just don't want to acknowledge it.

I mean..who would? Who would want to feel so vulnerable just because of one person? Who would want to feel so weird around that very same person?

Sheesh, guys. Can you recommend me to a doctor? I need treatment fast. I can't go on like this. What would people say about me? My reputation would be destroyed.

I need a doctor, or someone to advice me. Fast.

Rayne.

You see the above, and you wonder, what is wrong with Rayne? She seemed serious, but why is she being so joking in the last few paras? Is she serious? Really?

Yes. Why I'm doing it in this tone? I don't know. To lessen the harsh blow, to explore what exactly is inside my heart? I don't know. Seriously. I don't even know why I'm doing this post. Something is welling inside my heart, wanting to break free, such that I feel like crying over and over again for stupid reasons like this morning's.

So, for the thousandth time, what's wrong with me?

Can you answer that question? Can anyone do it? I can. I know only one plausible reason for it, but it is so ridiculous that I refuse to believe it. I'm scared of believing it. If it is real, what do I do next? I need to prevent this from happening. But somewhere in my heart, I know it has happened.

Please, please please don't let the person read this. I pray that XXX won't know what I'm talking about, or who I'm referring to. Please. I'm afraid. I'm afraid that everything that I've imagined to be would shatter in seconds around my feet. The facade, the walls of fantasy that I've built around me would dissolve into nothingness. I'll rather keep dreaming, keep fantasizing, then be brought back to reality. Please.

But I have to post this. I have to.

Where dreams were made; 9:57 PM

Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out.

Hokay. Results out today.

One word.

ARGH.

I'll be scolded, for sure. For sure, for sure, DEFINITELY for sure.

Here's the breakdown:

English: 3.6

Chinese: (THEY HAD BETTER ROUND UP FOR THIS ONE MANN!!) 3.2

History: 3.6

Lit: 3.2

Geog: 3.2

Math: 3.6

Physics: Don't ask.

Yep, the EOY marks. You see? So borderline. So...

SHEESH. ><

I studied okay?! I studied so MUCH for Geog and History, not that much for Math, and yet I STILL got more for Math then Geog.

Oh nooo...it's going to pull down my aggregate score for sure.

I'm going to die. I'm going to die a horrible death.

I better write my will now.

Let's see...whatever possessions I have in my name, I hearby give 50% of it to Sarah, Swetha and Vivienne. I trust them not to fight over it. 25% would be given to Nancy, and the rest to Gracey. If the above people dare to fight and squabble over my possessions which don't amount to anything anyway, all the possessions would be given to Mandi and Shiing as my wedding present to them, and whatever they don't like/want they can give to the BKK and GCC family.

Okay, will done!! Now, all I have to do is wait for my sentence. Cross my fingers, everyone...

Will be updated tomorrow. IF I am not executed on the chopping board with a butcher knife.

Rayne.

Where dreams were made; 7:25 PM

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

I'll try

I am not a child now
I can take care of myself
I mustn't let them down now
Mustn't let them see me cry
I'm fine, I'm fine

I'm too tired to listen
I'm too old to believe
All these childish stories
There is no such thing as faith
And trust and pixie dust

I try
But it's so hard to believe
I try
But I can't see what you see
I try, I try, I try...

My whole world is changing
I don't know where to turn
I can't leave you waiting
But I can't stay and watch this city burn
Watch it burn

Cause I try
But it's so hard to believe
I try
But I can't see where you see
I try, I try

I try and try to understand
The distance in between
The love I feel and the things I fear
And every single dream

I can finally see it
Now I have to believe
All those precious stories
All the world is made of...
Faith, and trust...
and pixie dust

So, I'll try
Because I finally believe
I'll try, cuz I can see what you see
I'll try, I'll try
I'll try...
To fly

Just a tribute to my incorrigible character. Would I be able to finally believe?

I have been posting loads of lyrics lately. (:

I went to MOELC to watch Howl's Moving Castle, and Howl was just so...handsome. Even though he is an anime character, he is waaaay handsome. And I hear that his voice actor is also very handsome in real life. ^^

Well, when I see Sophie try to do everything for Howl because she loved him, I felt...something. Don't ask me what; even I don't know. But then even though she is an anime character, you can really feel the love through her actions and her words. And then I thought...how nice if all unrequited love can end like that.

Then I went to Nancy's livejournal and I saw she put up lyrics about love too! And so I read the lyrics through...and well...

I don't know. I guess you have to have my thoughts and my feelings to know what was going through my tangled thoughts then.

Yes, Nancy. The lyrics was very sad. How does the song go?

I thought to myself, how strange everything seems. Writers write the most perfect, the most tragic, sweetest romance story to be found on this earth, but does that even exist? They write the nicest endings, where everything goes smoothly from then on, but do they really?

Life is meant to have troubles. For without bitterness, nothing is sweet. And without troubles, nothing is peace.

We are meant to have troubles to know the meaning of happiness.

There is a difference between a story and reality.

Reality is a never-ending story, that when even you die, it goes on and on, passed down from one generation to another.

What stories have is something we can only wish and yearn for, but even if we did have those things, we crave more. Or, we just get so bored of that life we yearn for some challenges to come by.

Stories...are just stories. Let them stay that way.

That was something I learnt long ago, and I never forgot it. Don't ask. The story's just too long.

But I still do fantasize now and then. It provides me with a spark of hope, a ray of optimism, that maybe, maybe someday things would really turn out that way. (Of course, it made me quite a nut too. I caught myself more than once talking in public places like the MRT.)

So...what's the conclusion again?

There isn't one. (:

Rayne.

Nancy, I'll really like the listen to the song. Do you have it with you?

Where dreams were made; 7:20 PM

Okay okay Nancy finally replied so I'll take back what I said. (:

I've to go to MOELC in about an hour so I'll better hurry up and post.

I can't believe it. Tomorrow's Thursday, which means.....SCHOOL!! Whee! (: But it also means...getting back our test papers. :( I don't want to..!! T.T Why can't they wait til the end of the year or something (which by the way, October does NOT count as the end of the year) and then give us back our results???

I don't want to see my marks. T.T Hoping beyond hope that somehow my marks would turn out fine....

I hope so. ><

Ooh, and after this is Drama Night. It is just too bad that we don't have Miss Nina as our instructor, so we MUST get to the top four classes to see her.

Anyway, I think this time the theme is really intriguing! We are supposed to do about an inspirational piece of art work, and I think, I think it's going to be super fun. Never mind about whether we see Miss Nina or not, what matters is the process of having fun. Am I right?

Of course, it's going to be stressful because our deadline's really tight, but I think we'll manage to pull it off somehow.

It's going to be really, really, really fun. (:

Going back to school tomorrow means that I have to sleep early and wake up early, but I don't mind!! ^^ Because I'll get to see all my friends again!! Instead of being inside the house all day.

Sometimes, it's really lonely to be an only child.

Thank goodness for the internet. At least I can still type to you guys.

So yepp, I'm really looking forward to tomorrow!! And of course until 3rd Nov. But we would still meet up again, right? (:

Every day that brings us closer to the day that we must disband is PRECIOUS and has to be TREASURED.

Treasure everyday, guys!!

Rayne

P.S: Carpe diem, everybody. (If you would recall from a long-ago post of mine. (: )

Where dreams were made; 12:39 PM

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

NANCY IF YOU ARE READING THIS AND YOU STILL DON'T REPLY TO MY EMAIL I SWEAR I'LL BITE YOUR HEAD OFF ON THURSDAY.

Sheesh!

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 11:00 PM

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence
You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well.An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly.You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view.A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary.
You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

...I sure hope so.

Ho hum. A year comes to an end. Another year is beginning already, and I am still suspended in a limbo, unable to let go, yet anticipating what the next year would bring.

Que sera sera.

But you see, I don't believe in that. As in, I believe in concidence, but if you leave everything to Life, you'll just get swept up with the current, already knowing where it would bring you: the end of the world. But if you fight back, or try to build a raft and rely on the currents, you will accomplish something, no matter how small it is. Who knows? You might just find a new species of fish, or discover a whole new country. Or even if you just manage to catch a fish, I believe you'll be as happy as though you caught a shark. Every victory would seem even the more worthwhile, because you fought for it.

Fight for your dream.

Is it easy?

Well...

What is your dream?

Or rather, what is mine?

I...don't want to be have the stereotypical "high-class" jobs. I don't want to be a doctor, or a lawyer, or a politician. I won't be happy. Well, I briefly considered being a doctor. But then I hate blood. As in, on me, I'll be fine. I'll just say like, "Oh, I have blood." But on others, or on shows where they show live surgery, I'll be, "Eew, that's gross" and I would cover my eyes with my already weakening fingers. And when I caught sight of the probe going into the patient's stomach my limbs go weak like noodles. So, nope, I can't go into medicine.

Then I considered a lawyer. And for a period of time, I thought it being really good. But then I realised, it goes against my morals. What if I had to be a lawyer for a criminal whom I knew perfectly well was guilty? Even if I did win the case, I won't feel good. Another criminal going scot free. And I can't possibly refuse the case, can I?

Then I thought to myself, was that really what I wanted? And the answer is: no. That was what society deemed as the "higher classes", the peak of the career list. Any aspiring wannabe would have to select from that list of careers, only then would people look up to them.

So..what do I really want?

I don't know.

But what I know is, I'm going to choose a job which I like when I grow up. And I'm going to love doing it.

But what if I can't?

Well then...

I get to you sometime later. (:

Rayne.

Where dreams were made; 5:05 PM

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRACEY AND JING XUAN!!!!!

GRACEY - 24 OCT
JING XUAN -23 OCT

Happy, happy, HAPPY birthday to both of you!!!! You have officially turned thirteen!! Welcome to the club!!

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 9:58 AM

Monday, October 23, 2006

GOONG OST

Dang Shin Eun -Stay (It's featured in my Melodies column)

nan baboyeosseotjyo. naega baboyeosseotjyo
huhoehaedo neujeotjyo aljyo dorikilsun eopjyo
geuldael bolsun eopseoyo, nado algo isseoyo
naega jeongmal jalmotaesseoyo
jeongmeol mianhaeyo

geuttaen aegi haji motaetjyo neomu eoriseogeotjyo
ijewaseo ireoke aetaeumyeo na yongseoreul bireoyo

dangsineun naneun baboimnida jajonsimttaemune
sulgwa sseun dambae yeongiro manggajigo itjyodangsineun naneun baboimnida ajik saranghagieharu jongil peongpeong ulgoman itjyo
geudaedo nado babocheoreom

geureoji marayo, dasi saenggakhaebwayo
uri eotteoke yeogikkaji himdeulgewanneunde
dasi saenggakhaebwayo, huhoehasilkkeoeyo
naega jeongmal jalmotaesseoyo
jeongmal mianhaeyo

geuttaen aegi haji motaetjyo neomu eoriseogeotjyo
ijewaseo ireoke aetaeumyeo na yongseoreul bireoyo

dangsineun naneun baboimnida jajonsimttaemune
sulgwa sseun dambae yeongiro manggajigo itjyo
dangsineun naneun baboimnida ajik saranghagie
haru jongil peongpeong ulgoman itjyo
geudaedo nado babocheoreom

geudae eopsi dan hansungando nan salsueopseoyo
meorireul jallado sureul masyeodo
nunmulman heureujyo

dangsineun naneun baboimnida jajonsimttaemune
sulgwa sseun dambae yeongiro manggajigo itjyo
dangsineun naneun baboimnida ajik saranghagie
haru jongil peongpeong ulgoman itjyo
geudaedo nado babocheoreom

ije deoisang manggajiji maryo

English Translation:

I was a fool. I was a fool.
My regrets were too late too.
I know that it can't be turned back.
I know that I can't see you too.

I was so wrong, I'm so sorry.
I didn't get to say then, instead I was just being rotten.
So I'm here now pleading for forgiveness with worry.

I'm a fool
Because of my pride I'm ruining myself with alcohol
and the bitter taste of cigarette smoke
I'm a fool
I cry my eyes out all day because I still love you
You and I, we both are like fools

Don't be like that, think about it
Think about what it took us to get here
Think about it again, you're going to regret it

I was so wrong, I'm really sorry
I didn't get a chance to say then, instead I was just being rotten
So I'm here now pleading for forgiveness with worry

I'm a fool
Because of my pride I'm ruining myeslf with alcohol
and the bitter taste of cigarette smoke
I'm a fool
I cry my eyes out all day because I still love you
You and I, we both are like fools

I can't live a moment without you
I still cry even no matter how I drink or if I cut my hair

I'm a fool
Because of my pride I'm ruining myself with alcohol
and the bitter taste of cigarette smoke
I'm a fool
I cry my eyes out all day because I still love you
You and I, we both are like fools

Don't ruin yourself anymore...

You know, this is a really sad translation. When I read it and heard it again it just seems so..sad. But it kind of serves the guy right. Only knowing how to break the girl's heart. D< But I think in the end the girl would forgive him if she still loves him. Because well...you can't HATE that person for as long as you live if you love him, don't you?

Hm.

Sometimes revenge takes a very weird shape.

Anyway.

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 9:11 PM

I FINALLY GOT SPEAKERS!! WHOO!!

My father helped me install in new speakers, since my last ones conked. SO NOW I CAN FINALLY LISTEN TO MUSIC!!!

:)

Rayne!!

Where dreams were made; 4:54 PM

Roses..

My new blogskin! I love the rose so.

Had a bit of trouble with the tagboard, but that was because I accidentally linked it to maryam's blog. So blur of me.

I'm not really that technical after all.

Rayne.

Where dreams were made; 12:08 PM

Sunday, October 22, 2006

What can I say?

She wrote a cheery card, her smile widening delightfully as she thought of how happy That Person would be when she saw her present. When she finally finished the cheery card with the optimistic words, her smile faded, and she buried her head in her arms. The card fluttered to the floor, forgotten.

That cold, rainy night, she thought about hazy, impossible things that she knew would not come true, yet hoping against hope that they somehow, in the end, would materialise for her. Near dawn, she opened her eyes and looked down at the card, her heart twisting in anguish. What she really wanted to say was, I love you. Please love me back. Don't leave me alone in here.

But she knew...she couldn't.

She didn't want to break the fragile friendship between That Person and her. She wanted things to stay the way they are, yet dissatisfied with what they are. She wanted to move on, yet hesitant to take the next step. What she can do...was to wait.

But in her heart...she knew that That Person would never knew her true feelings.

She watches the daylight breaking, the sun rays touching every object with a glint of warm gold that it could reach. And she thought to herself, how beautiful everything was, only if she could capture that moment in time, and keep it close to her heart for eternity. But an errant cloud drifted over the vibrant sun, covering the brillant rays, and with it, her fleeting hopes that That Person would know what she really felt.

----------------------------+----------------------------------

How do I know her story? In retrorespect...I am exactly like her.

Rayne.

Where dreams were made; 9:12 PM

Friday, October 20, 2006

EOYs ARE OVER!!!!

EOYs are OVER! EOYs are OVER!!!

I can say this for a MILLION times and still not be bored of it. (:

CELEBRATE!!! THROW CONFETTI IN THE AIR!!!

I can't believe it. I can't believe EOYs are OVER. O.O Someone pinch me hard.

Well, okay, I don't have to resort to that. XD After EOYs me, Gracey, JX and Nancy went to Subway to eat (I didn't) and we talked about what kind of plot our script should have. After that, Borders to search for art books for our Drama Night. Somehow or another, we wound up browsing through movies and saying which ones we liked and which ones we have.

Let's organise a movie fest!! I've never been to one. (:

Then afterwards...me and Nancy took the bus home, and Gracey and JX took the MRT. Gracey was following us blindly to the bus stop, and JX managed to stop her in time. XD

I bought Gracey's and JX's presents..!! I'm so proud of myself. X)) But at the same time I also managed to spend half of what I had saved for my holidays. Ah well. Anything for friends, I suppose.

I saw something which I could give Nancy, but it was too expensive. I shall save up money to buy it. D< Even though I'll have to save up A LOT. Nancy is a..very hard person to give presents to. Because I don't know what sort of thing suits her personality..!!! Grah. But this present...somehow manage to fit with Nancy. And it has Nancy's eyes. (: So...I guess I'm going to buy that by hook or by crook. And never mind about the cost.

Unless someone buys it first. (PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T..!!!)

Whoo!! I don't know where to begin my journey of fun. Too bad MY SPEAKER'S CONKED, or I will listen to music and do all sorts of weird stuff..!!! ^^

I'm really hyper. Even though I was so moody in the morning.

I don't have anything else to blog about...so I shall end off here..!! XD

TAKE A BREAK EVERYBODY!! YOU DESERVE IT AFTER THE EOYS.

Where dreams were made; 2:18 PM

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Some quizzes I took. You should, too! ;)

Your Theme Song is Beautiful Day by U2

"Sky falls, you feel like
It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away"
You see the beauty in life, especially in ordinary everyday moments.And if you're feeling down, even that seems a little beautiful too.

What's Your Theme Song?

Is this song nice? Never listened to it. Can't now, anyway. My speaker's conked.

You Should Be A Poet

You craft words well, in creative and unexpected ways.And you have a great talent for evoking beautiful imagery...Or describing the most intense heartbreak ever.You're already naturally a poet, even if you've never written a poem.

What Type of Writer Should You Be?

I'll rather be a prose writer, thank yew very much. Poetry sometimes drives me nuts. XD

You Are Surrealism

Dreamy and idealistic, you've created a world that is all your own.It's very likely that you've either dabbled in drugs or are naturally trippy.You are always trying to push beyond the boundaries of your culture and society.You believe that art, love, and freedom can change the world.

What Art Movement Are You?

A clarification first. I NEVER did drugs, and I NEVER will. They should be banned from Earth.

You Should Learn Japanese

You're cutting edge, and you are ready to delve into wacky Japanese culture.From Engrish to eating contests, you're born to be a crazy gaijin. Saiko!

What Language Should You Learn?

I already did. Learn Japanese. And I <33 it!!

okkayy.. that's all.

Where dreams were made; 4:36 PM

Pie..?

You Are Pumpkin Pie

You're the perfect combo of uniqueness and qualityThose who like you are looking for something (someone!) special

What Kind of Pie Are You?

I've never eaten pumpkin pie. :/ Wonder how it tastes like.

Well anyway today was the GEOG exam..!!! Grah. Don't ask. I was so relieved when it was over. (Our invigilator was v. unreasonable though. She doesn't even let people WRITE their names after the stipulated time. D<)

One more exam to go. I can't wait for tomorrow's paper to be over so that I can relax. Whoo. How time flies. (: The EOYs seemed never-ending, but they are going so fast..!! And after that would be the post-exam activities, and then the end of school.

T.T

Well anyway, I'll just live for the day..for now. After the paper, me, Gloria, Gracey and JX decided to go Far East so that JX could eat and me and Gloria could buy Gracey's and JX's presents. But it turned out that the shops were NOT OPEN. So me and Gloria went home by bus and left Gracey and JX to eat at Subway.

In case you are wondering, Gracey's birthday is the 24th, and JX the 23th. Happy birthday in advance! (:

And on the bus we met this really cute little boy who kept going, "Nyah nyah nyah." And afterwards when he and his mother got off the bus, we couldn't help but wave goodbye, and he ACTUALLY WAVED BACK. So cute!! ^^ Oh mann. I don't know about Gloria, but I was completely taken with him. I bet that he'll grow up to be a really charming boy with loads of charisma. XD

Put the past behind you, and live for the present.

Nice sentence, that. Read it in a book about a few weeks ago, and this just popped into my mind on the bus just now. Hmm. I think..for the present, I will keep my philosophical thoughts to myself. (Trying to live in the present)

See you..erm...tomorrow! If I'm not too busy playing. (: Whee.

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 3:40 PM

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

...What am I supposed to do now?

Ah, yes. Revise Geog.

I'm panicking already. About Geog.

But my feelings are so bleak...!! How do I revise in times like these?

Sigh. I'm feeling restless. My eyes are wandering listlessly to the window, back to the computer, then to the window again...

I seem to be in a worse mood then I've imagined. (:

I guess...I'll shut down the com and take a rest first before starting on my revision. But whenever I close my eyes I can't help thinking of....

......

No. You know what? I'm going to stop being so moody and put you out of my mind. Tomorrow morning I'll greet you with an impersonal smile and ignore you for the rest of the day. Which would be easy, since all I have to do is to mug for my geog exam. Because you are not worth it.

I wonder if that resolution would crumble tomorrow when I see you again.

Anyway. No point worrying about it now. I was so bored, that I just started browsing the net for some song lyrics and immediately got disgusted with myself.

What am I doing?

I don't even know. Well, since I've already researched the lyrics I may as well put them here.

Hilary Duff: Come Clean.

Let's go back,
Back to the beginning,
Back to when the earth, the sun, the stars all aligned.

Cause perfect didn't feel so perfect,T
rying to fit a square into a circle was no life,

[Chorus]
I'm shedding,
Shedding every color,
Trying to find a pigment of truth beneath my skin..

Oh-oh-oh....

'Cause different, doesn't feel so different,
And going out is better, than always staying in,
Feel the wind..

[Chorus]

Let the rain fall down and wake my dreams
Let it wash away my sanity
Cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I'm coming clean

Let the rain fall down,
(I'm coming clean),
Let the rain fall down,
Let the rain fall down..

Let the rain fall,
Let the rain fall,
I'm coming clean..[

Chorus]
Let the rain fall down and wake my dreams
Let it wash away my sanity
Cause I wanna feel the thunderI wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I'm coming clean
I'm coming clean

i'm coming clean,
Let the rain fall
let the rain fall
I'm coming clean...

Let's go back,
Back to the beginning...

And you know what the irony is?
I don't even know how the complete song sounds like.

Where dreams were made; 3:40 PM

Sunday, October 15, 2006

If you want to know more about the background of this post I suggest you read my friend's Gracey's blog.

Are we really still in cliques? Even if we were, not that much as in the beginning of the year, right? I can still remember at the beginning of the year- me, talia, gloria, yi fei, celeste, gracia. Then the rest just eat on their own, or wander off to another part of the school. Now, the tables are usually so squeezed with 112ers that people have to stand up, or sit in 3s on the same bench. X) And Gracey joins us sometimes, along with Nancy, JX, Jazlyn, Liz and Nana! And I'm positive we interact more, not just stay in our so-called cliques. And well...I've grown close to people whom I don't really know even in the beginning of the year, or even in my three years in RGPS. Isn't it weird? I can spend 3 years in RGPS not knowing who they really are, but I just need to spend 1 year in RGS to know their character, and to bond with them. Amazing.

I'll definitely be sad leaving them, perhaps even more sad than when I left Where I Belong. If possible, I'll really want to be with them in Sec 2, even Sec 3 and 4. But somehow..I don't think that'll be possible.

One resolution for the new year: not to be so pessimistic. I wonder if I can really accomplish that!! XD Like Nancy said, "You can think, each day is another day of your life, or each day is another day closer to your death." (Did I get that right? :/)

It's only now that I realise how much I love some of the people in my class. Why couldn't this realisation come earlier? But now that I know, I would make good use of my time left with them, to spend more time with them. (: And anyway, there's always the wedding to look forward to...

When we meet again in the corridors in Sec 2, even if we aren't in the same class, I really hope that you could say hi to me, and smile at me. It'll be far too sad if you just walk past without another glance at me, as if we have never been in the same class. Can we make that promise to each other? Would we be able to fulfill that promise? I hope so. (:

Rayne

Good luck for EOYs, everybody.

Where dreams were made; 4:46 PM

Friday, October 13, 2006

Nancy, why did you disable my ability to post on your LiveJournal?

I feel so hurt. :/

Rayne

And yes, when the time comes, we will not be friends, but enemies. Yet, I still hope to retain the love between us.
-Rayndomer

Where dreams were made; 8:30 PM

Confused.

I have no idea since when, I had started to like you. But when I realised that, each and every day spent in your company, I die a little inside.

Everything just seems so confusing to me out of a sudden. The beginning of a fresh new chapter? Or the end of a favourite one that I am reluctant to close? I don't understand. Why is it so hard to let go? It all seems tangled, a mess of threads which I can't unpick. But what I know is that I'm losing you day after day.

It scares me. It really does. Just looking around my classroom now, devoid of papers and graffiti on the whiteboard, facing all the empty tables and chairs. I can't let go. I don't want to let go.

I don't want to change.

People are so hardworking now, mugging for their EOYs. So what is WRONG with me? I need to concentrate, but somehow when I see the faces of the people whom I love in 112, I feel like crying. If we don't go in the same class next year...what do we do? Are we just going to part like that? Why?

I haven't heard Mandi laugh in a few days. And suddenly, everybody seems to need to be hugged. It's the stress. Stress is clouding my mind, making me feel so emo. Oh mann.

When next week comes and I see you guys again, I will put on a smile and wish all of you luck. But now, at least for one last second...let me be able to cry, before I pick myself up again and start to walk on.

Let me rest for awhile.

Yet...I don't want to be alone.

All I know is that I need to cry. But somehow...I can't.

Rayne.

Where dreams were made; 7:13 PM

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Do you really understand..?

I was reading a person's blog. Yes, from my links.

And I couldn't help wondering...why is this person complaining so much? Doesn't she understand that..sometimes the fault lies within herself? Why must she see other people's faults, and not her own?

Actually. This is the mentality of many people. Including myself. (: We -I- have a tendency to think that we are forever in the right. When we are not. Or that we are purrfect, whereas the fault lies with others.

It sometimes...I don't know. Maybe I can't see it in myself, but I get disgusted whenever I read someone's blog like that. Because..she can't see? If she distances herself from others, of course other people would not talk to her. And then SHE complains that other people are distant. And she has a really cutting tongue.

Sighh. People..!! Sometimes I want to shout out, "Hey! What about yourself?" But I can't do that. Because...I'm like that myself too. As in, I'm also..erm...egoistical sometimes? Thinking the world revolves around myself? Yeah. Something like that.

You know how difficult it is to actually look inside yourself..and give a fair judgement? (I can't do it, I'm biased towards the negative side. XD) Either I underestimate or overestimate, or I just can't judge at all. I think what we need is somebody who can give us an accurate view of ourselves.

But then we'll end up offended, or shouting in the other person's face, "You don't understand!" And in a way, they don't. The person who knows all your actions and the meaning behind it is yourself. Yet, why can't we judge ourselves?

This is confusing.

Anyway, on to superficial matters. I've gotten a sore throat, right dab-smack in the middle of Mugging Week. The haze is getting worse by the day, and I stopped going outdoor if possible at all. Which is not good; I need to cut my hair. Or else I'll get BOOKED.

I wonder if they'll cancel school on Monday. -smiles-

So yep. End of another post. Start of another hour or so of mugging. Wish me luck, peeps. (:

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 1:09 PM

Thursday, October 05, 2006

All about <33

Hmm. Haven't been posting much. Okay...today, I'm going to talk about love.

What is love? If you notice something as a trivia, we are always "falling in love". We fall down stairs, fall down a mountain, our spirits fall, etc. So if love is so good, why aren't we soaring in love, or flying in love? ^^

I'm not telling you not to LOVE. Love is good!! (Eg Parental child love, sibling love) But...romance love? Hm.

Where to start. Romance is like dark chocolate. At least, for those dark choc fans out there (I'm ONE!! ^^) Dark chocolate is bitter..but you just can't liking it. Why? Dark chocolate can be...addictive, you know. And you know you aren't taking in that much sugar. (:

So. Love is bitter? It can be sweet, of course, but even in a good relationship there would definitely be ups and downs. And is it eternal? Define eternal. Beyond time and space? Even in the next life? Till Death Do Us Part? Maybe. But...I don't know. I can't reeeally say that love is eternal. Because well...sometimes when you have a quarrel you just can't help but feel that you don't love him/her!! (Even though in some nook of your heart you know you do.)

To tell you the truth, this is just my point of view. I haven't been in love yet. ^^

Some say love is like a rose; you never know when you'll get pricked. It is true. Love, when predictable, would sooner or later fade, because predictablity is boring. Having some thorns in your life is okay. And you know you can always smell the bloom! But when even the flower fades, then...

Sorry. Random!! Anyway, that's basically, the thinnest layer of my iceberg thoughts. I have other thoughts that go much deeper than.. Ah, you'll won't want to know. (:

It's amazing how my abstractness can frighten me sometimes. O.O Not to mention my sadistic imagination.

Even more amazing is how I can turn a tangled mess of string into a ball of yarn. Well done, people..!!! And what's MORE amazing is that this can just make another random post of mine. (:

Okkayy! Off to do my revision.

P.S: Drink more water, guys. HAZE IS WORSENING. I hate it!!!

<33, Rayne.

Where dreams were made; 10:31 PM

Monday, October 02, 2006

Okayy..

I CHANGED MY BLOGSKIN.

(: Ahhaahaha!! This lazy Rayne has FINALLY done something!! Though I haven't put it completely up. My tagboard is still wonky.

But still..!!!!

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 11:18 PM

Decided not to change my blogskin. See how lazy I am!! XD

People, take care of yourself, yeah? Haze is really bad now. Drink more water. (:

Rayne~

Where dreams were made; 9:54 PM

!!!

http://amaranthine-illusion.blogspot.com

If you guys like my postings, go visit this blog!!! That is my combined blog with Sarah. (:

I...may not post as regularly here already. Because right...exams are coming, and I want to post on the other blog! And also..I want to write...and doodle instead of blogging. heheh.

Ahhhz!!! My hands feel very slack out of a sudden. Itching to do something, instead of typing. (nothing to type about, anyway) I shall go hunt up a new blogskin to give me something to do besides homework and revision.

It's so sad when love stories end, no? I wish it'll go on forever and ever...when the characters meet new obstacles, yet being able to cherish each other's love. Just like devil beside you!! <33!!! I love that series mann. It's so kawaii~

-smiles- But honestly..!!! If love is like that, we don't have to keep pondering about things anymore. Then again, I won't know..never had been in love. ^^;; Of course it'll be nice to be in love (imagine all that drama) and it acts on you like a aprodisiac. Which is nice. But it also takes up too much of your time..

Doesn't mean you can't be in love. ^^ All I'm saying is that, we shouldn't be pondering about it so much...shouldn't yearn for it so much...but rather, anticipate it, but not think about it.

Not like me. XD

Well! Philo strikes again! okay, maybe not about socrates and stuff, but more on the subject of <33. Using Venus and Cupid as an example.

You know, Cupid isn't really a cherub?? In some cases, he's a young youth, (quite handsome) and carries his trademark bow and arrow.

Venus is pretty of course. But personally, I prefer Athena. Venus is too vain.

Greek gods and goddesses, sigh! I do love Greek culture. And the Greek war about Helen...

>:(

Shan't talk about it. Can't be bothered to get myself all bothered again. (@*@^$##^%!!! Helen!!!) Yep. But anyway!

Bye! Watch out for my other blog. (:

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 11:50 AM