Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Dedicated to a special friend:
Darling, you can't just say that now this has ended, everything would end as well. There are bound to be residues of your feelings, like soap suds at the bottom of the sink after you've washed your hands, or the remains of paint on your palette. And even though your feelings would fade, your memories would remain. Always, always, they would be there, no matter how faded they are or that you don't even have any recollection of them. Because those memories have melded us into what we are now. In a way, you can say that we have gathered all these threads of memories and spin them into us. Ourselves. You. Me. Memories can pop up at weird times! Like mine. -.-
And not necessarily that feelings would just end like that. It takes time...as everything does. It takes time to dull or heighten the intensity of your feelings, of your loves and your likes, and it takes time to soothe whatsoever wounds you have, spiritually or physically. And while we are racing against time, pushing it to give us more of itself, it helps us at times too. Mmhmm. Time works weirdly. And sometimes I just feel like knocking it on the head.
And if you like someone just go ahead and like him/her! I'm serious. The worst thing you can do is to bottle it up and one day it explodes and that could-would be...disastrous. Does it truly matter if he/she loves you back? Maybe. But really, if you come to terms with your feelings earlier, the better it would be for you than to have self-denial.
Haha this isn't "deep"! This is more of advice on something which even I don't have much experience in. -.- Anyway this is how I feel.....and I tried to make it as prose-y as possible for you to comprehend. (: (And for myself if I'm ever going to return to this post.)
Where dreams were made; 5:22 PM
Sunday, February 25, 2007
I have a feeling that if I keep on posting about my day I'm going to shut down my blog really soon. -.- Coz that's what happened to my previous blogs, you know.
ANYWAY.
Today's mugging day!! I finished my history BUT not my jap. Actually I've covered my jap once but now I'm going over it again so that I can remember. But I think I'll score very bad anyway...><
OH OH OH hey I saw this REALLY COOL sight near my flat okay. (<-----That sentence sounds pretty incoherent. =.=) Me and my parents were out walking when my mom suddenly stopped and said, "Hey, look!" And so we all hustled over to look. It looked like someone littered loads of tissues there; the ground below a small tree was scattered with white blobs. When we went closer it turned out to be clusters of mushrooms...!!!! There were big mushrooms and small mushrooms and they were of the same type. AND there was this big big mushroom that instinctively you know that it was the "leader" (sort of) the mushrooms.
That sight was amazing, I tell you. I have never seen so many mushrooms together at once.....!!!! Kyaaa kyaaa I wished I brought a camera down. Or my handphone. My father snapped a photo with his camera handphone but instead of looking like the pretty spectacle that it was it reverted back to splotches of tissue. -.-
I love that type of mushroom. It was pure white with a spot of brown in the middle. When it's small the cap is totally flat, like tables, but when it was big the cap sorta turns out to expose a bit of its gills, so it looks like a bob haircut. Haha. And its stalk was long and slender. All in all it is a very pretty type of mushroom.
Actually I like all types of mushrooms. They all look so pretty and cute. But they last for such a short time! Either people trample on them or birds eat them or they DIE. >< I haven't seen mushrooms for quite a long period of time...not since last year when I pointed at the mushroom near the bustop and yelled, "mushroom!"...Yeah, it's that long a time.
But being able to see such a miracle of mushrooms makes me feel happy. ^^ It kinds of reminds me that I can still be happy and excited to see things which I previously loved....It means that I have't changed that badly after all! Haha. Despite all my gloomy (so you say) reflections....
I love egrets too! But they don't come so frequently either. Sometimes I see a egret close up near the bus interchange and I stop to look at it...I missed a traffic light just looking at the egret preening its feathers.... XD
Like I said, I can't keep talking about my day! Or else this poor blog would be abandoned and most likely that blog with Sarah too. Hopefully that day would never come. ><
Where dreams were made; 2:46 PM
Saturday, February 24, 2007
I'm thinking about changing my song..o____o
Well anyway SLI was pretty fun! More fun than last year....being stuck in the KS Chee was excruciatingly boring. Torturous. And Trina and I noticed loads of weird stuff. XD I posted some qns on my livejournal (but only some people know my livejournal) about it.
[edit] Actually I wanted to post the explanations here but I decided not to, I am that lazy. [/edit]
And for the occasional rare time I am not going to post about my reflections. Because I have grown quite sick of people thinking that I am depressed or emo. I am not....!! Well I'm not sure about the emo part but I am not depressed. It's just a way to-to thinkaboutthingsandletgoofwhatsoever
warpedthreadsImayhaveinmysouland
tostraightenouteverythingorIwouldgocrazy.
Or I would go crazy. Like that, yeah.
Ho hummm. I really should buck up and finish my work so that I can start revising. Jap CA on Monday, History on Wednesday. Chinese test perhaps in between. Sigh. I don't don't DON'T like doing work. seriously.
You know a few days back, me and my mom were eating melon seeds. I wanted to open it the traditional way, ie. to crack it open between your teeth, but she insisted on using the seed-cracker. (I have no idea what the name is, sorry.) Well anyway she taught me how to do it. I fitted the melon seed between the cracker and gave it an enthusiastic squeeze. The melon seed flew out and hit me on the face. O.O My mom shook her head and taught me how to do it again. I fitted it once more and gave it a squeeze. THIS TIME the blasted seed flew out of the cracker, hit the wall behind me with an audible thud, and fell to the floor. -.-
PLEASE someone tell me it's the cracker's fault.
It was quite funny actually. And it WAS the cracker's fault. My mom tried it and it flew out again. Haha. So we ended up having to share the other cracker which was smaller. And this time no seeds flew out.
I haven't done a quiz in a very long time!! But I can't find good quizzes on other people's blogs to do. Hmm it seems as though everyone's blog is being rather prose-y. No more online quizzes.
Even if they have online quizzes I may be too lazy to do it. D:
Where dreams were made; 3:25 PM
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Dear God,
Thank You. Thank You for blessing me with such a good family and such nice cousins, cousins who, to me, are like my own siblings. Thank You for blessing me with friends whom I know would always be there for me. Thank You for blessing me with the ability to love, and the knowledge that I am loved. Thank You for everything I have in my life, for all the hardships, the pain and the tears, so that I can become a better person, standing up in my own way, growing spiritually as I go along the path You set for me. The choices that I have made, the feelings that I am able to feel, for all these things and so much more, thank You.
In Jesus' name, Amen.
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You don't have to rush. Slowly, slowly, step by step, realise it for yourself. No matter how painful or torturously slow this path may be for you, understand that just by moving, you are already progressing, knowing, understanding. Can you feel it? That love that encompasses you. From me, from your friends, from your family.
It doesn't matter, does it, in the end? You just gotta do what you know you need to do. Do what you want to do. 'Cause in the end, this life's yours. You are the one experiencing everything that comes your way. That mixture of feelings that blend together and meld into you, and you yourself. That's all, really, that there is. You have to stand up and be strong for yourself.
-------
I wish...at times, that I can forget about time. That ticking clock which wastes my minutes day after day after day after day. When you are young, you think you have so much time. So much time to do what you want, what you love to do. So much time to embrace the world. Do you? In the end..do you?
Time, in a multispectral view of things, works differently for many people. For some, it is a healing salve, a soothing balm for all your injuries. For others, it's like a rapidly draining purse, wasting your money, your valued things, your precious, irreplacable time on this earth. I don't exactly understand time either. It's...it's complicated, yet deeply entwined with my life. With every breath I take, it's time. Even by thinking about this sentence and typing it down takes time. Time is everything we do. It's the fundamental of things, a deeply intergrated factor in everything.
I don't know. It's killing me, I tell you. Wanting to do this takes time, yet I have so many other things I need to do. Needing and wanting, which is more important? Your priorities or desires? (Like Sarah, I HATE priorities. :/) When you love someone, naturally you want to be with that person more. Yet, somehow, our times are all out of sync. With Sarah, most of all. (I'm not begrudging you, dear.) It's just that...being like this, rushing around with things needed to be fulfilled, you forget yourself. You forget the role you have to portray to society. Most of all, you forget your relationships. Suddenly everything except your friends seem most important! You just don't have time to sit, to talk, to think, to love.
Bleaahh. How nice it must be to just forget all about time. To throw your needs to the clouds and let them drift all the way to the Alps! To enjoy yourself without worrying about this factor, this irritatingly important stupid factor called time. But this world doesn't work this way. Sigh. Unfortunately.
Stupid factors.
Where dreams were made; 2:04 PM
Friday, February 16, 2007
I shall make an exception today and blog about my day. (:
----CNY PART ONE----
Today was CNY celebrations in RGS. I kept loitering near 212 to wait for Muni to come...Mar told me that Muni smsed her to tell her that all the boys were looking at her on the bus (or MRT, I can't remember.) Haha! When she came everyone SQUEALED. Muni looked so....cute!! Ahhh she was in a black frilly overdress thingy and pink long-sleeved shirt and she looked so positively positively positively CUTE. When you look at her you just can't help but want to hug her!! And she kept shying away from people because everybody wanted to hug her. You can't blame us for that instinctive reaction, Muni!
Afterwards I had to change into PE because we had rock-climbing. I can't say I exactly like rock-climbing. Everything stinks. The rope stinks, the helmet stinks, the rock wall STINKS. :/ Today it was my turn to climb and I only managed to reach the third panel. I'm really bad at rock-climbing..aren't I?
Anyway after that we changed back into our home clothes. And had Math. After that it was the class party! And we went over to 212 first, me and teesh and JX, to see our friends first. Mar looked nice in a long skirt and black shirt. Nana was like..whoa. She came in a purple shirt and black skirt, I think, bedecked with a HUGE shell necklace and matching shell belt. Oh and she put on these black star-studded earrings too. She looked so grown-up! Jaz's green shirt looked like a pullover. (I actually lifted her sleeve to check. XD) Nancy was in a chinese-style sleeveless shirt and pants, with a red jacket over it. She looked...um....uh....
XD
Class party was pretty okay. Then we had our concert which was okay too. The lion dance was really pro. Trina and I were arguing about which lion was the nicest. I said the yellow one but Trina liked the red one. XD She said it was cute. I said the yellow lion was cuter! And perkier. Haha.
----CNY PART TWO----
They let us off around one. Wen Jing and I caught the bus back to PEPS, but by the time we got there it was really late, around 2. D: We met Lu Chang and Yan Qing just outside the gate, where they were going home already. Sighh. Me, Wen Jing and Ainiah loitered about inside PEPS without seeing the teachers...then we went back out to Mcdonalds to talk. We didn't see anyone else from PEPS. I think it's also because we went there so late. But it's not our fault! It's the school's fault for letting us off so late.
Rayne; Multi-coloured flaxen threads says:
anyway who did you see there?
twoИ`+Narutard....DATTEBAYO! says:
alot
twoИ`+Narutard....DATTEBAYO! says:
lu chang,desmond,clarence, yngcong, li ye, federick, poon chun wai
twoИ`+Narutard....DATTEBAYO! says:
and some others
I wished I saw them too. :(( Somehow it's not really worth it to go back today....
Another half a year before I can see them again. It seems really long.
----END CNY----
Another missed opportunity again. Well anyway I saw Lu Chang and Yan Qing. Haha did you know what Lu Chang said to me? "Don't tell me about my blog." Actually I've forgot all about it but he reminded me! XD
...But that's not the point. It just seemed so pointless. We were going around like headless chickens, unsure of where we are heading, unsure of what we were going to do. All that charged-up anticipation inside me just leaked away when I saw them at the gate preparing to leave just as we were going in. It was nice seeing Ainiah again of course, but somehow it just wasn't the same as last year.
Last year....
Batch takes after batch. Generation after generation. We were in Mcdonalds talking, and beside us were all these sec 1s excitedly chatting away. And I felt ursurped, almost, of that scene. Like rightfully it should've be us sitting there talking and laughing with all the ex-PEPS people. It's kind of irrational, I know, but having all this excitement in you only to drain away is disappointing.
Never mind. I can't exactly blame anyone, can I? I just arrived there super late...
I wished I'd asked you to wait. Maybe I would have more fun. :((
Happy CNY everybody! Don't get too choked up on homework and tests and whatnot.
Where dreams were made; 3:52 PM
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY EVERYBODY!! <33!
Today's Valentine's Day! Thank you, those who gave me presents, and never mind if you didn't! I still love you anyway. (:
I'm having a mental block right now, so I'll just post.
----------------
We are all flawed, one way or another. It doesn't matter how flawed you are, there are still people who would love you for who you are. It's your heart, your soul, that truly matters. Nothing else does. Have you got your commitment, your love, your passion in the right places? They are what determines who would you be, who your true friends are. If you don't understand, can't understand, won't understand, you're hurting people. People who love you. People who really, really trusted you, but now you've hurt them, and you may just lose this chance forever. That one precious chance to love and be loved.
I'm really really glad that the people whom I love aren't like that. They know what is important to them, what really matters. I'm happy. (: It's not until today that I realised just exactly how fortunate I am to have such good friends. Truly.
...In the end, it's not just about you. Love's good, but really, there is so much more to life than just caring about you. And me. Open your eyes and look! If you listen hard enough you'll be able to hear other hearts beating, other souls humming with that melodious tune in unison. So many other people besides you and me. A world full of people and their secret hearts.
But you're still important to me all the same. Haha. In this world there are bound to be some people whom you trust. Not trust entirely, but people whom you know you can fall back on. Like in rock-climbing. It feels safer with someone whom you know belaying you. So even if you miss your footing or just let go and scream, you know that at least, you won't plummet to your death. Some scary moments when you are free-falling, but at the end you'll be swinging in mid-air, while your belayer is frantically trying to stabilise you (and herself. It's a wonder that she didn't fly up.) And when you reach the ground you may fall onto your jelly-like knees and cry out of relief, but you feel, somewhere in your heart, glad that your friend didn't panic and let go of the rope and scream. Doesn't it feel great to be supported by someone, at least? Everyone has someone whom they are fond of. Everyone.
---------------
Where dreams were made; 7:31 PM
Monday, February 12, 2007
[edit] Updated my links! =D [/edit]
I hate to admit it, but yeah, I am jealous. How can't I be jealous? You two look SO good together, shoulder to shoulder. Really. (: (Though I am still jealous. Haha!)
-----THE FOLLOWING PASSAGE IS NOT RAYNE TRYING TO SOUND EGO. -----
It is true okay. I mean, how do YOU react?
You know right, whenever I recieve that occasional (rare) compliment, I always don't know how to react. =.= I mean, written one is okay, because I'll just smile and write back a thank-you note or say thank you. But on the spot compliments? Nahh. What can I do? Modestly look at the floor and deny it? Make a face? Look the person in the eye and say "thank you"? (Talia once commented that seems rather ego, like you are trying to be humble but failing because you can't resist saying, "YES I am THAT good huh!" XD)
That last option is used by my best friend Viv. Whenever someone compliments her she'll go, "Thank you." But that's fine because you can tell by her body language that she is not trying to be ego, but really thanking you sincerely from the heart. (I'm always afraid that I'll mess up, and people may get the wrong idea. ><) And she's so cute that no one minds anyway...!! XD Kyaaa I love Vivienne...!!
Mmhmm. I always bumble through that awkwardly, and nine out of ten chances I always mess up. So, guys, how do YOU deal with compliments? Tag on my tagboard to give your answer please! (Promoting the activity of my tagboard. Haha)
----------------
Short post. If I got anything else to post about I would..but now my attention is diverted to my homework. (Shi Cheng don't you dare call me nerdy.)
Today had been a fun fun day. With loads of laughter and Chinese New Year songs. (And red packet fishies. Haha)
Where dreams were made; 4:30 PM
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Finally some things have returned to normal. My archives are not gone gone gone.
Don't think that I've forgiven you yet, Blogger.
Where dreams were made; 3:58 PM
Saturday, February 10, 2007
BLOGGER. I AM SO ANGRY WITH YOU RIGHT NOW.
YOU MADE ME SCREW UP MY NICE TEMPLATE AND REFUSED TO ACCEPT ANOTHER NEW ONE, BECAUSE YOU THINK THE CODES ARE ALL SCREWY. THEY ARE NOT. I TRIED IT ON ANOTHER BLOG AND IT WORKS. THEN YOU MADE ME CHANGE MY URL BECAUSE YOU REFUSE TO ACCEPT THE STUPID HYPHEN. THEN YOU MADE ME CHANGE MY OLD TEMPLATE USE FOR A NEWER LAYOUT USE WHICH YOU THINK IS SOO GREAT BUT IT ISN'T. IT IS CRAZY. YOU, MY DEAR BLOGGER, ARE GOING FROM BAD TO WORSE. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I EVEN DECIDED TO UPGRADE MY BLOG AT ALL.
DAMN YOU.
Where dreams were made; 9:09 PM
Thursday, February 08, 2007
I'm happy. (:
These few days I feel my life's over-simplified. It makes me kind of worried, like, "Where's the complexed Rayne gone to?" I've been so used to reading deeper than necessary already. o.O Ahaa. It'll get some getting used to. But I think the complicated things would all come back in a matter of days. It just..a temporary malfunction? Ha ha.
I can't wait for CNY to come.... (: I just love going back to PEPS and seeing all my old friends, then going to my ah ma's and aunt's house and battling it out with my cousins on his xbox. Aha. I love my cousins. I love PEPS people. I love Nancy and Gracey and Muni. I love Sarah. Haha fine, I love Andrea too.
I'm in a lovable-huggable mood! ^^ Too bad I'm at home now. I shall go hug my mom! I can't wait to go to school tmr and hug all my friends. Oooh but tmr 212 is having aesthetics. Bahh. I can hug them at lunch. (:
Today Muni squeaked in a really cute way...it made me want to go hug her again. Haha.
I'm HIGH because Andrea is coming to my CCA tmr!! And Lan Qiao!!! And all the other sec 1 juniors. YAY! Fun fun fun fun fun~
(:
Okay I'm not exactly thinking that much now because I'm so happy. ^^ Rarely you get to see me so happy but now I AM. Whee! I'm high high high and I can't get loooow. That was lame. I bet when I go back to my archives I would visibly cringe. Haaahaaa. See, future Rayne, you are as predictable as you are now...!! (I wonder why I'm laughing at this. It's not even funny. Maybe I'm really crazy. o.o)
Ooh I think I swallowed LOADS of laughing gas because now I'm so higgh. Or maybe I inhaled loads of helium. In any case I'm high! Oh wait I've said that already. Anyway I'm high high high. hahahaa.
ANDREA IF YOU CAN SEE ME NOW YOU'LL THINK I'M BEING CRAZY. XD
Which I am!
Lalalaa.
Oh what the heck. I should try to keep a hold on myself in case I start spewing my secrets to the world. (Which I am on the verge of doing.)
Yay I love Nancy and Gracey and Muni. And Sarah. And Andrea. Ooh I love a lot of people! I've already said that but I feel like saying it AGAIN! Because I'm HIGH. Haha.
Okay this is getting kind of absurd. And old. I shall stop.
*goes off singing to sleep*
Rayne
Where dreams were made; 9:34 PM
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Nancy dear,
Stars aren't made to fall down to earth. They are meant for us to reach for them in the sky. But sometimes, when they do become shooting stars, it's because they know that there is someone down there needing them, needing them to brighten their hearts. To love.
~~~*~~~
I don't like odd weeks. Really. I don't get to see 212 or 210 as much as even weeks, and that somehow affects my mood alot. And even on the days when I DO get to see them, either they are busy, or I am. Like today.
So, no, we don't get to see each other alot, and that really makes me kind of mad. At myself, mostly, for being so reliant. But hey, at least I get to see my Saatis still. So no, I'm not complaining. Yet.
My energy seems to be depleting nowadays, as if it's sprung a leak somewhere. Even on those days when I am really happy and high, it peters out somewhere during recess, and by the time lunch comes, it's almost at zero. My feelings don't change, just my energy. Like, I would feel really tired during class and hyper during recess, especially if I get to see my Saatis. (: On the days I don't, I feel kind of down. Then my energy would go to negative, but would rise again if I'm happy once more.
They are fluctuating bad. Really, really bad.
Shimata.
I don't know how long I can continue like this, really. If I don't shake off this feeling and this bad habit, I wonder how long I can last, before I finally lose myself one day. Somehow I feel as though it's almost as I will it to be, that I program myself to feel this at this time of the day, to smile and feel happy when I see them. You. Whosoever whom I love. I'm not as reliant as I used to be. Or maybe that's what I keep on telling myself.
I've grown old. :/ Old in a relative sense. The feelings, the thoughts that struggle to form themselves into words somehow comes out in a yet another way that I don't exactly mean it to be. It's getting increasingly harder to phrase my worries in my blog, harder to tell them to my friends. My feelings don't show that much on my face anymore; did you realise? When I'm happy I'm happy. But conflicted feelings are within me, struggling to surface. My mood swings are more extreme.
But at least I'm not so impulsive anymore. Well, not that quick to anger, and even if I am, I keep it to myself. (: I'm still impulsive in other ways. (Like stealing Nancy's stuff. Ahahaha.)
Happiness is relative to everybody. And while I feel that my own singular happiness seem to come in various weird ways, I'm still happy with it. But I can't indulge myself. If I do, I will lose everything I've fought to preserve for so long. That fragile glass thread connecting me to who I am would just shatter into a hundred pieces.
But maybe if it did shatter, at least I'll feel numb, while the world caves in around me.
Sigh. I'm kind of crazy, aren't I?
Rayne
P.S: So sorry, Sarah dear. I promise I'll update our comb. blog next time.
Where dreams were made; 5:58 PM
