When the stars have all gone out, you'll still be burning so bright.

Saturday, March 31, 2007

"Come with me," he said, and so I did. We ran through huge fields, our socks and shoes sodden with dew, our footsteps echoing in the silent night. I looked up at the multitude of stars above me and started laughing at the sheer fun and exhilaration of it all. And when I laughed he laughed too, and the stars laughed their wispy laughs at the two silly humans running across the endless fields.

We stopped suddenly and collapsed onto the dewy grass, breathless from the run and our laughter. He tossed his head back, moonlight highlighting his dark hair and giving him a halo around his shoulders; a cloak of silver.

"You see that?" He asked, pointing to a star in the sky. "Someone once told me that every person has a special star, and that star will be his guide. Whenever I feel lonely or sad, I just talk to my special star, and it is comforting in a way."

"A special star?" I asked, laughing. "How do you even know that that is your special star?"

"You just do," he said, smiling, "just like how we differentiate one person from another. You see, stars have their own appearances, their own personalities. You just got to know them, that's all."

And he turned his opaque eyes to me, and in them I could see starlight, and a mixture of emotions which I could not identify, a mixture of emotions that pierced me to the soul and held me there. Right there, in that field of dew and moonlight, with the stars laughing all around us.

Where dreams were made; 9:02 PM

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Ahh it's really regretful, 'cause I didn't bring along my dad's camera for the GE islands boat trip, and eventually got sabo-ed by many people INCLUDING Jazz and Muni. >_> Don't post it on your blogs, guys.

Anyway...photos of History trip!

Shiing! At the briefing before we left. (:

Sherm. She looks bored...XD

This was at Bukit Chandu. I tried getting all the names but couldn't....

If you see Malay personnel fifth from the top, (Sorry you have to tilt your head) that's Adnan Saidi, and his story is really heroic but very sad. I...don't want to post my feelings about the history trip for that reason. Really. It's all too sad, just too sad, and being there makes it all the worse. Perhaps it's just better if I don't even think about it anymore.

Anyway, moving on....

This was also taken at Bukit Chandu. This picture depicts the battle of Bukit Chandu, or the battle of Pasir Panjang. If you look carefully at the painting you can glean alot of information about it, like how outnumbered the Malay regiment were...by the way, the tanks in the background were the Japanese. And so were the planes, I think.

Okay this was funny in a perverse way. I was look at the bayonet with Teesh, when she went, "The knife is so blunt! How can they stab anybody?"

o.O

Account of a soldier turned POW.

The last part of the poem by Edwin Thumboo. (By the way, the first part of the photos are all at Bukit Chandu, including this one.) This poem struck a chord in me. If I can find it on the Net I would post it here.

THIS IS REALLY COOL. The model was suspended on the ceiling, so in order to look at it right-side up...

....You have to look at it from the mirror. It's in the shape of a well. Really cool product, won't you say?

We'd left Bukit Chandu. Was on the bus with JX when we spotted this building. Doesn't it look like Uno Stacko? XD Nowadays building structures are very interesting. Haha.

This was taken at the replica of Changi Chapel. This cross is the only thing that was taken from the real Changi Chapel. It was made from bombshells by the POWs to gain hope in times of war. The bottom part, the part inscripted with words, was cut from the bombshell.

Inscriptions on the Changi Chapel.

One thousand paper cranes, known as "Tsuru", is a symbol of world peace after World War 2. According to a Japanese legend, anyone who folded a thousand paper cranes would have their wish come true.

Notes written by previous POWs and their families.

The sand came from Changi Beach, where the massacres were carried out. The candles were lit by other people. (Talia lit a candle too! =D But it's not featured here.)

The replica of Changi Chapel.

Teesh! Eating her porridge and reading Marley and Me. We were at Changi Village eating our lunch. I <33>

Cheryl looking at me in a weird way...XD

Teesh eating her ice kachang. By the way she eats her ice kachang in a very weird manner..! She scraps off the sides and waits for the top to fall before she mashes it all up and drinks it. Haha. (I stole a bit. XD)

Si Rui, Talia and Jessica.

Gloria! I refuse to be sabo-ed anymore! XD

Is JX CRYING?!?! Naw, she just doesn't want me to take her photo. (But I still took it in the end. Haha.)

Banana money! We were at Ford Factory.

Lim Bo Seng's Diary.

...Ah. This is the Kranji War Cemetry. At the sides are the tombstones of the soldiers. If you see the memorial, the top part represents the army from the sea as the submarine, the wings are the air army and the columns are the land army.

On the columns are the names of the soldiers whose bodies were never recovered. One of them was Adnan Saidi. So you can guess.....what happened to him during the battle.

Sad. Really, terribly, horribly sad.

Actually I have more pictures but I'm too lazy to upload. So sue me. XD

Where dreams were made; 12:55 PM

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

I would like to visit you for a while
Get away and out of this city
Maybe I shouldn't have called but someone had to be the first to break
We can go sit on your back porch
Relax
Talk about anything
It don't matter
I'll be courageous if you can pretend that you've forgiven me

Because I don't know you anymore
I don't recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from the pain
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again

Springtime in the city
Always such relief from the winter freeze
The snow was more lonely than cold
If you know what I mean
Everyone's got an agenda, don't stop
Keep that chin up, you'll be all right
Can you believe what a year it's been
Are you still the same?
Has your opinion changed?

'Cause I don't know you anymore
I don't recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from these sentences
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again

I know I let you down
Again and again
I know I never really treated you right
I've paid the price
I'm still paying for it every day

So maybe I shouldn't have called
Was it too soon to tell?
Oh what the hell
It doesn't really matter
How do you redefine something that never really had a name?
Has your opinion changed?

Because I don't know you anymore
I don't recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from the pain
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again

I see your face
I see your face

..Yeah. What I wouldn't give to see your face again. Because, it's true, after all these years, when anger has slowly, second by second, solidified into hate, then froze into icy indifference, we ignore each other. Even when we had the chance to talk to each other.

But now when we've all grown up and moved away into the seperate aspects of our life, what are the odds of us meeting again? Would Fate lend us that chance?

..Would I even recognise you? Maybe you've changed so much I can't even recognise your face. Maybe even if we've met, even if we know each other, we wouldn't have anything to say. Maybe we would just avert our eyes and pretend not to notice the latter.

My dear lost friend, wherever you are, I pray that you find happiness. Maybe then you would look back on the times we had and regard me in a kinder light. And forgive me for not being able to relent, because my pride wouldn't let me do so.

Tonight...tonight just leads to tomorrow, and another tomorrow, and yet another tomorrow...where our footsteps carry us is something that we might never know, but when we do, I hope that when I turn the corner, you'll still be there.

Where dreams were made; 7:36 PM

Sunday, March 18, 2007

There lies a man who tried to separate light from darkness, and the innocent from the guilty.

But what he didn't know is that light shines in darkness, and innocence is sometimes just an excuse for the guilty.

Because that's the thing, you see, that I've come to realize. That happiness cannot exist without sadness, that pain cannot exist without bliss. And love cannot exist without hate. Two things, right and wrong, work hand in hand to provide the ultimate - consequences, perhaps, or feelings, or the actions that might just prove us all wrong. And so while I may rage and lament that I can't do anything to help the suffering and the pain in the world, I am more thankful for the pockets of happiness that, granted, are sometimes few and far in between, but nonetheless still come to me.

Only - sometimes, it's hard to take all these pockets of happiness and lose yourself in them. Because even in them there is sadness, bitter-sweet joy, and goodness knows what other bitterness to spoil the overall sweetness of the fruit in stall for me. And sometimes I want to push all these things away, because at my most low they don't come, but stay at a distance and mock me, yet it's hard to fault them or be angry with them. Because, they, after all, are my happiness.

But oh, how nice it would be to steep in joy all day. To sleep, so sweetly and warmly, safe in the knowledge that everything is right and the world is fair. To not return to the reality of life.

But that's self-delusional. And I am not about to cling to that false hope that everything's right in my life.

Sometimes -

We just got to know when to quit and walk away.

And sometimes -

the pockets of happiness do bring me a great deal of joy, no matter how small they are.

Where dreams were made; 3:41 PM

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Girl, listen to me. Fling everything aside, don't even think about anything that would worry you and just relax. Don't care what people say about you, what they might think, what you, a future you, might think of your present you. Ignore all the predicted guilt you might feel, and just close your eyes and rest. Because you are very very very overworked, and I am very very very worried about you.

I am serious. You might recoil in horror about ignoring all your priorities and commitments or say that you can't, but I'm saying that you can and you must, because you are all that matters to me.

Because I love you. Please, please, listen to what I say.

---------------

And with the passing of every day I feel my convictions lessen, dripping away from me drop by precious drop. All the restraint I had, the self-control, is unraveling, and I don't want to know who I might hurt next.

Why is it that self-loathing always hits when you are most down? It's just like the malicious gossip that heightens when you find yourself in a fix, the pity you get when your pride has taken a beating. Pride. May I ask, what use is of that to me now? Nothing, nothing, nothing matters anymore. Salvaging my pride is out of the issue. Do I even have any more pride? You have already taken it and trampled it beneath your feet. What else do you want from me?

And even so, the above paragraph has so wide a context, so many subjects all intertwined into one that I don't think I would be able to recognise the same warped paragraph a year from now.

One year from now you would be gone gone gone, and while I still can't bear to let you go, whatever we have this day, today, together, I would treasure. Maybe I won't even remember it a year later, but it would come back to my mind, mostly unbidden, and would I laugh at the sheer silliness of it, or shrug it off with a forced flippancy because the memories are still too raw? So many possibilities, so many roads I could take. How nice if I don't have to make the choice at all.

--------------------

I am not yours, not lost in you,
Not lost, although I long to be
Lost as a candle lit at noon,
Lost as a snowflake in the sea.

You love me, and I find you still
A spirit beautiful and bright,
Yet I am I, who long to be
Lost as a light is lost in light.

Oh plunge me deep in love -- put out
My senses, leave me deaf and blind,
Swept by the tempest of your love,
A taper in a rushing wind.

Where dreams were made; 4:41 PM

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

How can I just let you walk away
Just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking
Every breath with you ohhhh
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all
How can you just walk away from me
When all I can do is watch you leave
'Cause we've shared the laughter and the pain
And even shared the tears
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
So take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against the odds
And that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around
Turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you
So many reasons why
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all
-----------------

No I cant forget this evening
Or your face as you were leaving
But I guess thats just the way
The story goes
You always smile but in your eyes
Your sorrow shows
Yes it shows

No I cant forget tomorrow
When I think of all my sorrow
When I had you there
But then I let you go
And now its only fair
That I should let you know
What you should know

--------------------

Two different songs, sung by the same singer. Both evoking the same emotions in me; love, sadness, loneliness, and a medley of others which I can't identify. Do I relate to it? Am I able to relate to it? Yes, and no. What can I say? A rush of dormant feelings which was never there before just comes and overwhelms me, and all I can do is let my soul answer. Answer to the call of my heart, perhaps? That part which I've kept locked up forever.

Nights are often so, so lonely by myself....the same patch of sky which I look out from the windows in my house stretch to reveal the same black tapestry. I can walk aimlessly from window to window without even knowing that I have moved at all. It's so dark that I can't even see my shadow, so dark that there is no moonlight to lead my way....

-----------------

Cz. says:
"Grace: we must work together to get sze up!"
Rayne; Infinite Affinity says:
huh?
Rayne; Infinite Affinity says:
get me up what?
Cz. says:
happy
Rayne; Infinite Affinity says:
happy?!

.......

Rayne; Infinite Affinity says:
why do you need to cheer me up?!
Cz. says:
we thought you sounded down.
Rayne; Infinite Affinity says:
when?!
Cz. says:
sometimes.
Rayne; Infinite Affinity says:
oh.

........

Rayne; Infinite Affinity says:
...do you really think that nancy bought that ____________ thing?
Cz. says:
doubt it,
Cz. says:
she's sharper than Grace or any of us.
Rayne; Infinite Affinity says:
yeah
Rayne; Infinite Affinity says:
that's what I think too
Rayne; Infinite Affinity says:
well anyway even if she didn't buy it I think she dismissed it.
Cz. says:
heh
Rayne; Infinite Affinity says:
or rather, she had better
Cz. says:
sharp but blur. contradictory.
Cz. says:
betcha she forgot about it by now

What an apt way to describe Nancy, Muni. XD Sharp but blur.

Rayne; Infinite Affinity says:
OH DEAR
Rayne; Infinite Affinity says:
OH OH OH OH OH OH OH DEAR
Rayne; Infinite Affinity says:
OH OH OH OH OH DEAR!!!
Rayne; Infinite Affinity says:
do you think she found out?!
Cz. says:
who knows.
Cz. says:
she's quite cunning
Rayne; Infinite Affinity says:
AAAHHHH
Rayne; Infinite Affinity says:
oh dear oh dear oh dear...

You don't have to know what I'm oh dear-ing about. -.- Needless to say it's something rather horrifying which I've just found out....

Long post.

Where dreams were made; 11:13 AM

Sunday, March 11, 2007

anonymous: this is official: rayne has lost her virgin lips... to a dog named after a US president

Okay, OMers, own up right now. Who posted that comment on my tagboard?

Man, the way you guys phrase it is so crude. =/

Anyway, yes, that is the truth. Let me start from the beginning. On March 10, Saturday night.....

....Ms Leow brought her two doggies to school while we were painting. THEY WERE SO CUTE. One of them was a female named Eowyn and the other was a male named Church. We got so distracted with them that Ms Leow brought them back up to mark the Lit FAs.

May I add that they love belly rubs? Church would especially roll over and lift a paw in the air so that you can rub him more....they really are lovable. And they love Ms Leow so much! She went off for a little while to get water for them, and Church started whining once she was out of sight. Eowyn was more calm, but both of them kept staring in the direction where she'd gone. And once she came back they kept an eye on her all the time....

Anyway after that she brought them down again. We were so delighted that we abandoned all work (haha) and went to pat them. I was playing with Church when suddenly he jumped up and kissed me full on my lips. (Was it with his tongue? I have no idea.)

"Eaaauurgh!" I screamed and catapulted backwards, wiping my dog-slobbered lips on my sleeve. "He kissed me!"

And the rest of the OMers looked on and laughed. With Ms Leow. And started to crack jokes about how I was his girlfriend and everything...

Ms Leow looked me in the eye and said, "You know, you are not the first girl he'd kissed. He'd kissed many other girls before..."

Great. I just had to land up with a flirt. A ladies' guy. Why do all the guys that I meet are flirts?! With the exception of my family and the PEPS guys.

And even then I am not sure. About the PEPS guys I mean. At least they don't flirt with me. Haha.

-.-

Well, I suppose I should be glad that my first kiss went to a boy. (of sorts) Imagine if the one who kissed me was a GIRL.

But Eowyn would never do that. She is too calm. But still affectionate and cuddly all the same...!!

And they have such pretty eyes. Which reminds me of someone's eyes....

When Kristy and Anni send me the pictures I would upload. (=

Rayne

P.S: D'you think that the first kiss is counted??? What a great story this would make. My cousins would laugh themselves nuts. -.-

Where dreams were made; 5:05 PM

Saturday, March 03, 2007

NANCY, YOU ARE SO DENSE.

-------------

[[Poets speak of the eyes as being the windows of the soul. Our eyes tell the story of our true feelings and give people access to the deepest places within. Having someone look closely into our eyes is an intimate experience that can make us feel known and accepted or uncomfortable and invaded. Our tears of sadness or hurt, reflect the fears and scars that we spend a lifetime hiding. They are visible evidence of our vulnerability to life. Tears have been equated with weakness because they reveal the soft spots of our soul, and can make us feel unprotected. Deciding whether to stay strong and hold it all together, or let go and show our tears without restraint is not the question. Certainly, there are times when it is helpful to control our feelings and hold back the tears, just as there are other times when "crying our heart out" is equally appropriate. What is most important is that we find a way to honor the truth of our feelings and listen to the call of our heart. We are learning through science what we may have known in our bones for centuries. Tears are a way to mend the pain and suffering of life. They are neither something to be ashamed of nor something we must force or flaunt. Tears of joy and sorrow, tears of awe and pride can make life richer, giving us a natural expression of the pool of emotions that flows through our being. Our tears can draw us together reminding us of our humanness and connecting us on a level deeper than words.]]

How many times have you seen a person cry? Not on TV, but real, heart-out sobbing. How many times? And then, how many times in these times that you actually went to console that person? Just to offer a tissue, or to hug that person, or to ask if she/he was okay?

Tears like so many other things can make changes, however large or small. It can seperate two people, bring them closer, and do so many other wonderous things you would not have thought possible. But, really, what do you feel when others cry? How do you feel when you yourself cry?

Is it possible to be so emotionally detached that you don't even cry, not even when something breaks your heart? Or is it possible that at that time you won't have a heart left?

Sometimes I wish that. Oh, I wish that I don't have a heart, so no one could break it, could wrench it out of my chest and step on it so cruelly and efficiently. I wish that I could be made such that I'm impervious to even the greatest stimulation, that I would not cry, would never cry anymore. I wish all that while listening to the moon sing and watching flames dance up into the sky. I wish all that, and more, while hiding in the shadows so that no one could see.

But then....I won't be human, would I?

I wouldn't be who I am now, would I?

Still, it hurts to make yourself so painfully vulnerable to all the malicious that goes on.

Where dreams were made; 4:01 PM

Friday, March 02, 2007

I DON'T LIKE RAINY DAYS.

-----------

Hope can be so painful. It can be so agonizingly painful to hope, to wish for something to happen. Some miracles to happen, with the person you love.....

A human folly, I suppose. One of the many flaws that define us as Human.

Your mind rationalize that it can't happen. But somehow, somehow, your heart wishes for it to be true. The least likely the miracle is going to happen, the more your heart long for it to come true. And even though you know that it would never materialize, you get out of your way to see if it has happened. And when it doesn't you feel this horrible aching inside, like someone had let you down.....

Oh, sometimes miracles would happen. Small miracles, even large ones. Miracles may happen with the people you love, your Saatis. But........

But today I realised that miracles can never happen with you.

I'm sorry. But it's true. It doesn't matter how much I love you. Believe me, I wish it was possible, but still, over the time spent with you, I realised that. Does it have anything to do with you? Yes. It does. But I can't say for sure. Maybe it has something to do with me, with us, with that invisible bond that I'm not even sure is there...

[Insecurity again]

-----------

Congrats, my two cousins on your results!!! ^^ I hope you can do the things that you guys aspire to do. Jia you kay!

----------

And what do I do? Nothing. I can't do anything but wait. But oh, I've waited for so long, and still...

False fruit of my eye.

Where dreams were made; 10:09 PM