When the stars have all gone out, you'll still be burning so bright.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

You know how this is:
if I look at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

-If you forget me by Pablo Neruda

That day when you left, I cuddled in the space which you had occupied but mere seconds before. Your scent was so tangible, worming its way into my skin, my hair, my clothes; imprinting itself permanently in my memory. I felt you so warmly in my heart, it's like the fire would not cease burning. I could still see the way your hair curled easily, how mesmerising your eyes are, how cute you are when you smile. You, you, you and your smell, I can never forget, will always remember, will always love.

Where dreams were made; 9:42 PM

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Able to scream but can't scream;

Able to reach out but can't reach out.

-rant-

STUPID ******** AND STUPID ********* DO YOU THINK IT IS SO SUPER EASY FOR US?! DO YOU THINK THAT BY SAYING ALL THOSE STUFF IT WOULD ALL BE RESOLVED? DO YOU THINK IT WOULD DRIVE EVERYTHING AWAY? NO ALL YOU DO IS TO COMPLAIN AND RANT AND SHOUT WITHOUT TRYING TO RESOLVE THE FREAKING MATTER AND WHAT THE ***** DO YOU EXPECT US TO DO; REBEL? YEAH THAT WOULD BE SUCH A GREAT PLAN THANKS. INSTEAD YOU SAY HOW DISAPPOINTED YOU ARE IN US AND WHATEVER CRAP BUT YOU DON'T REALIZE WHAT EXACTLY WE HAVE TO DO. YOU THINK THAT BY STANDING STRAIGHT AND TALL YOU CAN DEFEAT THEM BUT IT JUST TAKES ONE BANG OF THE FREAKING AUTHORITY GUN AND YOU'LL BE DEAD AND WE ARE THE ONES CLEANING UP YOUR STUPID IDIOTIC MESS. GREAT, GREAT, EXTRAORDINARY PLAN. NOW WHY DIDN'T WE THINK OF IT IN THE FIRST PLACE, HUH?

AND STUPID WHATEVER CRAP FOR HAVING WHATEVER MISCONCEPTIONS AND COMING TO A FREAKING IDIOTIC CONCLUSION ABOUT SOMETHING SO TRIVIAL AND CRAPPY. YEAH THANKS THANKS THANKS A LOT. THANKS FOR MAKING OUR LIVES HARDER.

-endrant-

Freaking, crappy, unreasonable, incorrigible, stubborn idiots. I wish I could give you all a huge kick in your big fat butts.

NO I AM NOT GOING TO BE NICE.

Rayne

No, I'm not exactly angry with anybody per se. Just fed up of the whole thing.

Where dreams were made; 7:51 PM

Saturday, July 28, 2007

http://www.theinterviewwithgod.com/

If I can find any way at all to express how much I love you

You know I'll do it.

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 11:22 AM

Friday, July 27, 2007

But I ran out of places and friendly faces
Because I had to be free
I've been to paradise
But I've never been to me

I need some peace and quiet. Today's just too much for me.

Oh why why why people are the way people are. If I can understand, if I can know you, how much simpler my life would be.

But no, life has to put up a brick wall so that I end up with a broken nose.

It's not helping that I can't seem to communicate, either.

Where dreams were made; 9:57 PM

Thursday, July 26, 2007

It was raining heavily today, and I didn't have an umbrella. I was on the way to the bustop when Grace Zhang (OM senior: she recognises me!) kindly offered her umbrella to me. On the way we saw 190 going past.

Grace: Oh no! Aaah my bus!
Me: You should run!
Grace: Okay, then you hold my umbrella!
Me: Huh?! No!!! Just run! Run!

And she ran. And caught her bus, I think. (:

Some people are really just so kind.

Today someone important said something to me
While I haven't quite forgiven her yet
I can't exactly forget what she said either.

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 4:51 PM

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Instead of me waiting for you

I ought to backtrack, and meet with you instead.
(Read: I'm impatient. I just can't wait to see you.)

Pride can stand a thousand trials,
the strong will never fall
But watching stars without you,
my soul cried.
Heaving heart is full of pain,
oh, oh, the aching.

What day is it again? I've made a pact with you to meet in the fields of shimmering blue, when the stars sing and the moon and sun collide, where Time stands still and silence is our lullaby.

Don't forget our promise.

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 6:13 PM

Monday, July 23, 2007

Cheryl Koh is really really cute. She has this permanent blur expression and sometimes when she's puzzled/confused about something she looks SUPER funny and cute. I was commenting about how she could make a really handsome boy in MOV when I suddenly realised that I'm RIGHT. She will make this cute, blur handsome tall slender boy (maybe a page) in MOV!

She reminds me of Nancy sometimes, when Nancy's being blur. Nancy's cute, but Cheryl's ADORABLE. Plus plus Nancy is sometimes clear-headed and weird and funny and huggable. (Now why did this turn into something about Nancy?)

Whee I think I would love working with her. (:

Today an incident left me thinking about how different our worlds are, every single one of them. Sometimes we may make a brave venture into another person's world, sometimes either by Fate or circumstances we crash into another world recklessly and without thinking of the consequences, but

we do know that we belong in several worlds.

There are some worlds that you can never get into, however much you try, or perhaps you refuse to. There are barriers, concidences, blocking you from several experiences that should've been yours. Or perhaps you clam yourself up in your own world such that no one could ever get in, or you could ever get out.

I once spoke about the test tube worlds? When mixed they give off such a milky, pearl-like colour, but before long they seperate again. Yes, there are such cases. Where worlds collide, briefly, but seperate again so quickly that you feel so much pain, heartbreak, at being torn from something or someone you've loved best. But you know that period of time when your worlds had merged it had been such a wonderful, beautiful riot of feelings and experience and just -

Love.

Yes, I'm been thinking about that the whole day. Love, and what it means to me.

It can be something so simple as braiding someone's hair, and it can come to you in any part of the day. It mostly comes to me when I'm asleep, when you can creep into my dreams silently, talk to me, laugh with me,

Braid my hair.

But I don't know where you are when I wake up. I'm still waiting, watching, wishing for you to come soon, to tell me what exactly I'm feeling.

What is love? Love is life.

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 8:34 PM

Sunday, July 22, 2007

I want a coin-operated you.

I want a coin-operated you that can accompany me wherever I go, whatever I do. That will smile and laugh with me, that I can tell everything to. That knows me like no one else ever knows me, that cuddle me when I'm down. I want a coin-operated you that will accompany me when I sleep, stroke my hair and tell me stories when I can't. I want you to be there 24/7, looking at no one else, paying no one else attention, seeing no one but me.

I want you to be mine.

Now, if that's not clear enough, I don't know what else would be.

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 4:15 PM

I just realised that we have a lot of private jokes within 211.

Take these:

The roaring joke
The flies joke
The Vanesh and Manesh joke (oooooo)
The marriage joke (This one's between Mish and I. ;) )
The bad taste joke
The duster joke

Exclusive jokes. (: Except fro the Vanesh and Manesh one, which is practically our class mascot...

Yesterday I recieved this weird phone call.

*phone rings*

Me: Hello?
Person A (man): _________? (unable to decipher)
Me: Um... (in chinese) I think you've called the wrong number.
Person A: (Chinese) I think you are the one that called the wrong number.
Me: (Whaat?) Uh...
Person A: (Chinese) Who are YOU?
Me (Irritated): (Chinese) Who ARE you?
Vague human sounds at that back. Something about the wrong number.
Person A: *puts down the phone*

Later

Me: Hello?
Person B (also man): (Chinese) Hello? ___________? (ALSO unable to decipher)
Me: (Chinese) You've called the wrong number.
Person B: Huh? (Chinese) You're the one with the wrong number!
Me: ...... *puts down the phone*

Later than later

Me: Hello?
Person C (woman): (Chiense) Hello? _____________? (REALLY unable to decipher!)
Me: (Chinese) You've really called the wrong number.
Person C: Oh, sorry sorry.
Me (calms down a little): Okay, bye.
*puts down phone*

Yep, it's super annoying. And I never really understood Nancy's comment till that incident.

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 10:30 AM

Saturday, July 21, 2007

You may not realise this, but you've always been holding me with your right hand but
Your heart's beating on your left.

No, I don't (want to) miss you. Yes, I (want to) live life.

I realise that the people I really like, I have extremely unreasonable high expectations of them. Makes sense that people would have expectations of me as well. I feel like I'm covered in labels, with a criteria to match.

Recently I've been finding excuses to go off on my own, to be alone, to be shallower, to not think so much and just indulge myself in teasing and laughing that, somehow, doesn't really come from the heart. I hate laughing just for the sake of it. It comes out all forced and fake, but that's part of the criteria. That's part of what makes me this year.

I'm honestly, honestly sick of being nice. I just want to be me.

But you see, that is part of the criteria as well.

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 11:55 AM

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

We often wonder if the image that we portray to society or even to our friends are the real us. Perhaps, our inner heart is as deep and dark and delight in atrocious things, or even thinking bad stuff about our friends.

I've come to realize that we may not have just one real us. There can be a real us in every single second, all blending together to form who we are. Probably it doesn't really matter in the end who is the real us - perhaps all that matters is that you are comfortable with it. This phantom "real us" can be just a figment of our imagination, a wild, dark, worrying thought that we plucked out of our subconscious.

My theory? You may not know the real you even if it is staring at you in your face.

JX and I were thinking about what kind of worlds we would want to live in, and in a moment of extreme perversity I decided that there will not be

Love, just intense affection
Boredom
Lies
Excellence
Cliques

And a great deal of other things. JX disagrees with me on the first point: she said that without love, there will be no good movies. (I agree.) But that is in a very perverse state, so...

Sometimes I choose the state that I want to be in. I can be extremely introverted and silent, or talkative, teasing and overall crazy, or just irrational. Or super touchy. Facets of the soul, I suppose. In a way it mirrors what I am feeling, whether I choose to lash out at someone or rein it all inside or just forget all about it. In another way it mirrors my imagination, or the fantasies/daydreams that I am having at that point of time. In yet another way it just tells you that I am seriously bored. These days abolishing boredom comes in the form of teasing Mish and Jia Yi, with Trina's help. (:

But these days, somehow, I feel like I'm losing myself in the overall game. I am seriously contemplating of quitting but you can't quit it when it's your life. But in the process I seem to be losing everything I ever wanted: my friends, my sanity, my dreams, my enjoyment, myself. (Notice it's all about me)

I ought to buck up and be more serious.

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 8:42 PM

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

"I would gladly marry Shi Ryuuki kay. Seriously. (: Sze Min might settle though, haha."

WHAT THE.

Ahahahaha thank you Mish. I'm really flattered, honest. You are very very cute and funny and crazy and nice to tease BUT

You've got bad taste. XD

This week's a crazy week! But I'm feeling a tad better than last week. (Last week was HORRIBLE. At least this week's I'm keeping up somehow...) Today is especially crazy cos of our ACP project where we made loads and loads of cookies to sell. I was in the production team doing oatmeal and rasin cookies, so my routine is this: scoop roll put. scoop roll put. scoop roll put. It got kind of boring after a while, so gee and I went crazy coming up with this oatmeal rasin cookie which drowned in a bathtub and got reincarnated thanks to the cookie man and got bought by a man who loved it so much he couldn't be bothered to eat it so the cookie was super bored and it went to the bathtub and drowned itself and -

Well, you can see what I'm getting at. X)

Yes so overall it is very very hectic and crazy, and I made Nancy buy two packets of cookies (they bullied her) and felt guilty afterwards for subjecting her to so much bullying so I gave her my share of the choc chip cookies. (:

And now I need to CHIONG my history PT (whee.) with my salty milo hands (milo + soya sauce = not a good combination) and get ready for dry shoot practice tomorrow! (I'm super high - yesterday I ran around with Mish's anime plastic thingy refusing to give it back to her and surveying people if they think that the guys a) look the same b) look horrible c) are just neutral.)

And to think five minutes ago I was in a state of extreme panic. Somehow I don't really care anymore. I just want to SLEEP.

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 9:35 PM

Monday, July 16, 2007

"Non c'e nessuno
Bello come te e ti amo"

There is no other,
as beautiful as you, and I love you...

Your beauty is so blinding that I can scarcely see anything but you. As long as you are here, as long as our fates colllide and intertwine, all I can do is to savour these moments and wish they will last an eternity.

Let me dream, a little longer, so that I'll be ready to face the world.

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 6:01 PM

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

There's a feeling in my heart which I can't explain. It's as though my heart is swelling, full to bursting, yet there is this slight pained feeling in it, and a phantom hand clenches around it. Thump ta-thump thump ta-thump I can feel it drumming against my chest, and suddenly I feel like I'm going to cry.

Love isn't like that...is it?

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 5:35 PM

Monday, July 09, 2007

Waltzing on a wisp of
rusted steel thread
through the
Eye of the Needle
Dizzily catching
Curly crisp leaves
That
Swirl lazily, humming softly
A tune which is familiar
but
Strange.

Faded, halting footsteps
Through the intangible
Moondust
That bears
Me now. So solidly
Comforting, just like that
Song, the rhythm and the
Silence

Tentative, disjointed
My fingers are not
White spindly shaky nervously
Singular keynote shatters in
Space, time, fragmenting shards of
Anger
Rippling through the
Marble surface.

String me along
Hypnotizing and seducing
Melody rising and fading
Rhythm of tides that
We have in our blood
Closing in infinitesimaly
Swooping
In, Sweeping me
off the leaves
Dusting moondust from
Nape and shoulder.
Whisper the finale like a
Tune.

And beyond Time,
I am yours.

Where dreams were made; 9:07 PM

Sunday, July 08, 2007

I thought, like everything else, that I had forgotten about it.

On most days I don't really recollect it. I can't say that I miss it now, I can't even remember what it has been like. Unless some trigger comes up, be it friends or fear or just the mere mention of the words.

But I actually actively went after it. Curiosity, you may say. I wanted to see how we had looked like. To a certain extent, I wanted to see how I had been. Before it had ended. Before now.

And I saw it.

And it looked so good.

The experience, everything. The happiness, the rush, the tiredness, the makeup, every single glorious bit of highness stress bruises sleepiness friendship -

And it occured to me that I may never be able to get rid of it, or even forget about it. It's in me, somewhere buried near my heart. I just haven't realised it until today. Those words that had meant such pain, fear, happiness, excitement, pride to me a year ago, I am still proud to say them. I am still proud to say that I knew you guys, worked with you guys. Even though we've all gone our seperate ways but I'm sure, I trust that this is forever in you.

I loved every second of it. Now I'm sure. Even the aftermath doesn't seem as terrifying now. And if I can go back to those times, and relieve the heartache again after it is over it is worth it. Because I can never find that feeling anywhere else anymore.

I was so happy. I remember it now. That pure feeling of happiness.

I still have the photos. I still have the book, even though it's tucked away somewhere. I still have the feel of the stage under my feet.

I can't tell you now what sort of feeling is in my heart.

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 9:27 PM

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Dilemma.

Confused, uncertain. My path never looked as -

Torn; but I don't want to let go of either.

Teetering on the scale of Failure.

Please don't doubt me yet.

Where dreams were made; 4:42 PM

Thursday, July 05, 2007

I see the same side of the moon
That we'll be looking on when the world turns blue
And know that time and space can't come between me and you
We share the same side of the moon
And though you'll never see all the tears shine through
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon

Today is gone, and tomorrow will be here soon. And all I can do is indulge myself in fantasies, burrow in the velvet folds of my imagination and dream. Dream of things that are too fragile to be spoken out loud, that are hanging by a wispy thread from my conscious mind. And when I wake up, I'm just back to myself again, the same person I ever was.

It's a pity, really, that I can't remember most of my dreams. All I know is that I wake up happy, albeit sleepy-headed and blur. Then I remember what I have to do for the day and I will sober. It's something like this --> *^^* *^^* ^^? :(

Yeah, like that. Haha. Nope, reality's not especially nice, but it's what our imaginations are made of. I suppose I ought to be glad I still have a place to retreat to.

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 5:18 PM

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Comment on this entry and :

1. I'll respond with something random about you
2. I'll challenge you to try something
3. I'll pick a colour that I associate with you
4. I'll tell you something I like about you
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of
7. I'll ask you something I've always wanted to ask you
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your blog

This sounds like FUN. (: What are you guys still waiting for?

Where dreams were made; 5:23 PM

I can't believe a month ago
I was alone, I didn't know you
I hadn't seen or heard your name
And even now, I'm so amazed
It's like a dream, it's like a rainbow, it's like the rain

And some things are the way they are
And words just can't explain

I know, I've posted this in my livejournal too, but I just want to add on -

Thank you, Sarah Swetha Vivienne Nancy Gracey Muni JX -

And God bless.
________________________________

Some things you just can't fanthom, and others you just instinctively know.

But one thing I know, I trust, I love

well,

I think you should know.

Rest well, dream loads, and wake up on time, dear.

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 4:36 PM