When the stars have all gone out, you'll still be burning so bright.

Friday, May 23, 2008

FAREWELL, MY WORLD.

Be back on the 5th June. Don't miss me so. Two weeks is not a very long time.

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 2:36 PM

Thursday, May 22, 2008

It was doomed from the beginning.

What is this life if full of care
We have no time to stand and stare?
No time to stand beneath the boughs
And stare as long as sheep, or cows.
No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.
No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars, like skies at night.
No time to turn at Beauty's glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance.
No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began.
A poor life this, if full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

I received a beautiful card with a beautiful message today. It has a carousel, with a plastic horse staring into the horizon. I'm almost afraid to touch it for fear that my fingerprints would smudge the glossy surface.

Get well soon, Nancy. Don't just fall sick like that, it's really worrying. (Even though I know you don't mean to.)

&Shiing tripped over the volleyball pole and, as El puts it, "fell flat on her face". Scraped her lip, the poor girl. Blood everywhere. Volleyball is a really dangerous game. Chen Rui got hit smack on her nose and had to sit down for a while. At least five people have got bonked by the ball on the head. This is even worse than softball! Which is really ironic; the volleyball's so much softer than a softball.

Met a little girl two days ago on the bus. Her sleepy head kept bumping against my shoulder. Not that I minded: I was sleeping myself too. At one stage both of our heads collided and we stared blearily at each other before dozing off again. It was a very nice bus. It was a very nice chair. I could've slept on that bus forever.

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 9:20 PM

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

At times words just render everything useless.

There was a large box with an open lid. I would climb into it and hide there, but I would not close the lid. This time, if I could, I would, just box myself in thoroughly, completely, shut myself off. But the box isn't there anymore.

.
.
.
.
.

It's all coming back to me, Sarah. I can't help it.

Stop. Just stop and look at me.

Where dreams were made; 8:11 PM

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

The thing about love is that I never saw it coming.

My friend just sent me this sms, and now I'm freaked. ><

Chain mails and weird concidental numbers do that to me all the time. Every single time! Ever since I was a kid and people thought that it was smart to send a kid chain mails. Well, thanks.

I wish I can see him again though. It was such fun.

Where dreams were made; 9:38 PM

And when his name appeared on the screen, we both squealed.

Hot hot hot.

A normal man could commit murder in this weather and get away with it; the heat is so overwhelming. The mornings are no relief, and the nights are worse. And yet I am so tired I sleep through the stickiness and sweat. Was it always this hot last year at this time? I can't remember.

And the advertisers are taunting me. They erected this huge BIG GULP cardboard thing onto the bus advertisement signs, so that I would not fail to see the cup, bigger than me, brimming with ice and coke every time I walk home. I would not be surprised if I find it ripped out, trampled and lying on the road one day.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I forget that I'm surrounded by humans, just like me. All with a beating heart of their own. And when realisation strikes, every single time, I could just tear myself into two. You'd think I'd learn by now, but....I just get too ahead of myself.

I'm so glad that everybody liked the cupcakes! Even though the icing was too sweet. (I had to scrape it all off for Sarah. D:) It's Gracey's and my first batch, so we're (I'm) pretty proud of it. X) It's too bad that I didn't have enough to distribute to the whole class...I felt really guilty giving to some but not the others. I'm so so sorry. ):

I've got pictures, but I'll post them up another time.

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 5:32 PM

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Look at her go!

That's El, by the way.

And..yeah, that's the volleyball that Xinle whacked out of the school which rolled onto the road and got hit by a car with a very satisfying BANG, almost like a gunshot. RIP, volleyball. Oh well, we've got its deflated corpse as our class playtoy now!

But after El put her huge foot in it I don't think anyone would play with it anymore. She had a hard time removing her foot from the hole after she fitted it in. It would be cool if her foot got stuck and she had to clomp home in one shoe and one volleyball.

I meant to post this up earlier, but stuff kept getting onto my mind. Anyway this happened last Friday, after class-cleaning, when we were waiting for the teacher to inspect our class. Including many other things, but that was the most defining moment of the event.

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 4:35 PM

Saturday, May 17, 2008

The time is here, and she won't be waiting for me

To polish something such that it shines, such that it is flawless, it is cultured, it doesn't show any weaknesses. Any cracks. Why, why? I still don't understand. What can you possibly glean from a smooth-edged piece of transparent glass?

It's so much better in its raw form, original, spur-of-the-moment, words that are banged out of your heart rather than your head. No need for changes. No need for perfection. I may get cut, but at least it would be real. It would be...more sincere, closer to the heart.

So here I stand fighting what I feel for you
Torn between what reason says and how I really feel
And here I stand, wondering what to say to you
Hoping that you feel the same, the same as I do

But then again, come to think of it, even if there was no hope, she couldn't have stopped herself from loving him anyway. She'll make hope, even if there are no traces of it at all. Coz all it needed was the spark, and then it could burn anywhere, even in the emptiness of her heart.

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 9:18 PM

EXPILLIARMUS!

Martha: But are we safe? I mean, can we move around and stuff?
Doctor: 'Course we can, why not?
Martha: It's like in the films, you step on a butterfly, you change the future of the entire human race.
Doctor: Well then don't...step on any butterflies. What have butterflies ever done to you?
Martha: What if...I don't know, what if I kill my grandfather?
Doctor: Are you planning to?
Martha: No.
Doctor: All right.

AND THEN

Shakespeare: And you, sir doctor, how can a man so young have eyes so old?
Doctor: I do a lot of reading.

It IS the Doctor's fault that Martha fell in love with him. I mean, sleeping on the same bed as her? Staring at her with his wonderful eyes, saying all those things....and then doing nothing. Poor Martha. The Doctor can be so insensitive sometimes.

It's aggravating!

Where dreams were made; 2:48 PM

Friday, May 16, 2008

Let me go.

There's something about my blood that mozzies are attracted to. Honestly, I've been getting numerous bites before the MYAs started, and new bites keep appearing on my legs before the old ones disappear. Perhaps my blood is sweeter. Hm, but apparently someone said that people with O blood would get more bites..? I'm an AB+. OR perhaps it's because I'm the only person in the class at 6.40 am, which is precisely when they had their little mozzie reunion or something, and to celebrate they decided to have a blood-guzzling fest.

They really are annoying buggers. Ambushing me when I'm asleep! I had one on my knuckle, and it was both painful and itchy. I hate it when they dive in for the fingers and toes. They become swollen and itchy, painfully so, such that it is painful when I move, painful when I do not move. Is it the mozzie season now? That's why I keep getting bitten? Darn I wish they'd just leave me alone.

But then again I prefer them much more to sandflies. It's always when something worse comes along that you appreciate your own disasters.

Career guidance today. We had to do a game involving post-its and sticking them to people's backs. They kept falling off, so people kept ending up with different post-its in the end. Like Shiing, whom I stuck "homogenous" to her back, but somehow it ended up with Eleanor after that. But when I found out my word I was pretty sure it was the original. Giam stuck hers to my back, and the word was very Giammy. Darrell agrees!

And well..

The word was blessed.

Yes, I do feel blessed.

The Doctor should never have kissed Martha. Sure, it was a brilliant tactic, but all the same...I mean, how could she not fall in love with him after that?! It's his fault, really, that she can't forget him. Don't do things that you never mean them to be in the way other people would interpret them to be.

It causes people so much heartache.

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 8:15 PM

Thursday, May 15, 2008

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A BRIDE WITH POCKETS?!

The Runaway Bride!

Doctor: I have THIS. (pulls out remote controller from his pocket)
Catherine: How did that fit in there?
Doctor: Well, they're bigger on the inside.

REFERENCE TO THE TARDIS! I finally understand what those weird rock-like twisted thingys were for. They were for the Doctor to drape his wonderful overcoat casually in the middle of a crisis! (Somehow he never loses it.)

And when he remembers Rose he has this heartbroken, forlorn look on his face. He's so lonely.

I feel that Donna understands him the best. She's...really sensitive to his thoughts and his feelings. And poor Martha, she still can't forget him, even though she's engaged, but....the Doctor is the Doctor. He's like fire, he's so brilliant, he's so....charming. Yes, I really think that's the word. But stand too close and you get burnt.

But I think that that's what he needs. Friends. Trusting ones, and those that he can trust. And he's got them. Donna, Martha, even though she's not there for him anymore. Captain Jack who never dies. All the people he'd saved, yes, even those who don't remember him anymore.

David Tennant. Is. So. Brilliant. Honestly..!! As Doctor Who he's so charismatic and cute and so boyish. In Blackpool he sings wonderfully and has softer expressions and seems more..human. Either way, he's just so good.

After all these time...you're still so full of surprises.

Where dreams were made; 8:46 PM

And it's over.

I'm grateful.

But some things would always stay. A moment of weakness, of giving in. Either way I'm being selfish. May as well be selfish the good way.....

I am sorry. I am so, so sorry. I wish I could tell you, really, but I just can't.

Wonder how I would go from here..after swirling the currents for so long, to make it all come to a standstill, would I ever be able to form the same ripples, the same waves again? There will always be some residue left. Only problem is whether it is all in the head of mine, or whether it manifests itself in reality.

But, other than that (which takes up a really great part of my life, oh, the irony) I am fine, really. Just fine.

Jess said that my head is cuddly. I'm amused. Well, it's just the hair...and she left so many ink stains on me because we were playing Kakuro with Rox and Tricia and she went high. We all did. It's because of the exam results, they made us so giddy. It was like: oh DARN my results suck they are so bad my GPA is going down the drain oh nevermind HEY KAKURO LET'S PLAAAAAY! WHOOHOO! So we were all crazy at the back of the theatre, crowded around Sam's (poor) tiny book, scribbling weird things and adding incorrectly and making terribly stupid remarks, and Jess laughed so hard she couldn't keep her pen steady and her eight turned out...funny. Squiggly and weird. So we laughed, and had ink fights, and my hands are scarred with the wounds from the battle. Wounds that I can wash away in the shower.

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 4:49 PM

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

For better or for worse.

Rayne, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

....

Tomorrow. To live through tomorrow will be...amazing. I can't wait, really. I can't wait to survive it, to just get through the freaking school day. Yes, that will be nice. There will be repercussions, there always will be in the aftermath of a storm, but at least the perceived worse will be over. And I will go on struggling with myself, but at least that's all on the inside and no one can see.

There was this flower that we saw on our walk together. It was tattered, but still so beautiful in all of its imperfection. And I couldn't help thinking it was just like a person with war stories and inflicted scars to tell. That image flashed past my mind again as I was typing the above paragraph.

I will rise again.

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 8:44 PM

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

'Cause you blow hot and you blow cold

..Once upon a time, someone gave me a blank page for me to write on. And honestly, I would really love that right now, to just pour out everything unashamedly and unreservedly on paper, but we know it's not going to work.

Should I stay
Should I go
Could I ever really stand to let you go?
Can you now find the right words to say
That maybe I'm getting in your way

Where dreams were made; 9:24 PM

Monday, May 12, 2008

I'm tired of loving this way.

Note to self: Do not watch Doctor Who while eating. (Especially chocolate mousse, because when the guy [SPOILER, SPOILER, THOU SHALT NOT PROCEED FURTHER] peeled off his skin and became an Ood I spat it all over the computer screen, where it slid down the screen leaving a trail of chocolate behind. Which only added to the disgusting-ness of it all.)

This reminded me of the time where I did the same thing to my gravy noodles somewhere in my archives. Ah. Repetition. I will forget about that incident.

Strength. I will be stronger.

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 9:13 PM

Sunday, May 11, 2008

In the midst of it all

First title since...when, exactly? XD

I've been having a lot of company the past two days. Rayne is happy, deliriously so, but it's already all over. You never really appreciate things until they're gone.

&Sarah said that Loneliness should be defined as a lack of love. But I've been thinking, and I think it should be defined as a lack of the love that one wants.

As each year passes the conversation inevitably gets steered to the subject of love, which is vaguely amusing, seeing that all of us except one are freely available. (It's such a pity, especially the Older Ones.) Sooner or later all of us would have somebody, and then...well, the conversation just gets more familiar. ;)

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 12:43 PM

Friday, May 09, 2008

I need to control, to subdue, to hide it. It isn't working. I'm still as human as ever.

There's something about this life that makes me so weary. Seems like there are so many other things waiting for me to fulfil, but I'm trapped in this cage of weariness - physically and increasingly, emotionally. Trapped in a neverending cycle of thought. The same ones keep running through my head like a broken, silent record. Always there. A few weeks ago I wrote how wonderful life is, how much better this year is to last year. Now I'm not so sure anymore.

Because the closer I get, the more I cannot pull away.

I wish that I could just get this off my back, but....be careful what you wish for.

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 11:15 PM

Went to Sarah's house today, just because I feel Sarah-homesick. Been feeling it ever since MYAs ended, so it's good that I went there today. <3

Haven't stepped into that house for three years already. Felt like nothing has changed, but upon looking closer I could spot changes, signs that yes, the house has aged, has altered. It would've been nice to have everything in its old place as I had seen it three years ago, but we all know that change is inevitable.

Pento is her usual friendly exuberant affectionate cuddly self but she's HUGE now. Gosh, Sarah, what have you been feeding her...? She still smells smelly but in a good way. Her eyes are so beautiful...they are huge and round and when she looks up at you trustingly you feel like you can drown in their chocolate depths. It feels so good to hug her and have her lie by your side or her head leaning against your leg. When she lies down and I give her an idle rub she puts her paw up for me to hold. It made me wonder if all I needed was affection but s'pose not.

It was company, perhaps. It was wonderful to have Sarah around. Going on the walk, meeting XAVIER (gosh, the pretty pretty boy with lovely eyes and glossy brown hair) and snapping pictures along the way, making the chiffon cake with ah ma (which we didn't eat much, by the way), just sitting in your room having fun with the com and the photos, lying on your bed watching you play the violin, it makes me feel so loved loved loved. Thank you. I love you for...just being you.

I would go there everyday just for her, but her house is so ulu. XD I think it's because it's just simple happiness, eating together with someone in a house while watching TV in the mirror, walking together, swinging on the swing together (gosh, I miss doing that.) and sitting at the com having fun with weird items and mirror writing. No need for going out together to shopping malls with bright lights and glossy floors and commercial advertising; just.....stay with me, sit with me, talk to me. That's all really.

Ah...that's why being an only child has its disadvantages. :/

And I would have LOADS of photos to upload as a result of our crazy photo taking, but somehow both of us forgot the thumbdrive that she loaded all the photos inside, so I didn't bring it home. XD Another time.

Rayne
Love you, darling. (:

Where dreams were made; 9:32 PM

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

MYAs. Are. Over!!!

Actually yesterday I was in a post-MYA mood. After the two mugger subjects (Bio and History) my brain sort of shut down already. The horror...!! I just couldn't care less, I suppose. Well I'm not about to comment on Math, but afterwards it felt really anti-climatic. None of the highness that I was anticipating, none of the relief that I thought I would feel. Something's still weighing me down. (I have a pretty good idea what...) Felt really weary though. I just wanted to sleep.....
Oh but! Pictures!

WARNING: HUGE BULK OF PICTURES COMING UP!

Something I promised JX I will send to her. There, you can have it now! These are some cards that we saw in the window of a cute shop we said we'll go back to someday....(they weren't open then.)

Ain't it cute! :D

I love this one. It's so flowery and a little spastic.

Tsk tsk. Mummy always knows best!

Okay. Not really.

Look at their curlers!! And the watchamightcallit, the heater-thingy!

I've always wanted a rocking horse. :D

And this was just directly funny. Haha.

Physics notebook: First Page of Ignorance.

Second page. But I figured it out in the end.

Done on my bio notes in a fit of frustration. 8D

State of my table during mugging-time. Physics in the foreground and Bio in the background. When it stacks up too high I just chuck 'em all into the cupboard at the side.

Went to Gelare's (they were having half-price for waffles - who could resist) for lunch after the Bio paper. That's Gracey's waffle. It had chocolate fudge brownie (I think) icecream!

That's mine. I had swiss chocolate caramel ice cream, even though I don't really like caramel. Their ice cream is nice and chewy. But I wished I'd scraped off the whipped cream - it gets sickening after a while.

Lunch expedition todayyy. :D Those are our order cards. Look at the girl in the corner! I like this shot. X)

..a result of Sarah's frantic fry-squeezing. We wanted to hang around to watch how they'll react when they see the message, but we decided to get out of there before they stoned us. With their rubbish.

Atonement was brilliant; I actually wrote a gushing paragraph of its brilliance, but I deleted it. I half-cried at the weirdest timings. When the horses got shot I covered my eyes because it was too hard to bear, even though they only appeared in one scene and weren't the main part.....but I still cried anyway.

Joe Wright is a genius. That's all I can say.

I dropped my handphone and the cross on the chain broke cleanly into two. It's funny how reality translates into emotions. Spontaneity is fine and all, but sometimes....most of the time, I guess I just have to choose my words correctly.

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 8:02 PM

Sunday, May 04, 2008

There's this vague feeling of helplessness, like things that I ought to take control of are beyond my grasp and knowledge. Perhaps even beyond my consciousness. As though I'm on a sea of utter calm and silence, and comprehension seeps in slowly that it is deep and monsters are lurking at the bottom of it, yet I can't do anything but continue to float, never moving forward nor backward, neither swimming nor sinking.

..it's a scary feeling. Just like the Dream. Heart pounding, blood everywhere - kept running, running, running like a panicked rabbit. Then suddenly, warm arms, and being lifted up, and being in a comforting, soothing embrace. And the knowledge that it is over, and it was going to be fine.

..It is going to be fine. Somehow, it is. But right now I can't seem to feel it. That security seems so far away.

Where dreams were made; 10:17 PM

Dolly, you. Are. So. Cute.

part [C] mish OCTOBER. says:
live for _____? :B
Rayne; It's in your smile. says:
..not much of a reason to live for either. -.-
part [C] mish OCTOBER. says:
D:
part [C] mish OCTOBER. says:
live for me!
Rayne; It's in your smile. says:
haha!!
Rayne; It's in your smile. says:
we-ell...
Rayne; It's in your smile. says:
maybe.
Rayne; It's in your smile. says:
X)
part [C] mish OCTOBER. says:
..D:
Rayne; It's in your smile. says:
what's that for?
part [C] mish OCTOBER. says:
you're supposed to say 'D: if you put it that way... YES!' and like i dunno walk into the sunset with me together (x

...seriously.

Romantic much? <3

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 9:07 PM

Saturday, May 03, 2008

If physics is a silvery slippery fish then bio is a huge, lumbering invisible elephant. It lurks sulkingly at the back of my head and I have no idea how I can master it. It's too big! I can't swallow! I'll choke!

But if I do anymore physics I am certain that I will silently combust.

Ah, choices, choices.

And amidst this pleasant contemplation is the silent awareness of the Thought inside of me. I will only think about it when I go to sleep.

...I shall never sleep tonight. I will stay up, and think, and think, and wonder about the parasite that has invaded my heart and lived there for two-plus years. It's become quite a comfortable pain. We're almost vague friends now.

I think I understand why admissions are so difficult now. Sometimes it's best to form them into words, and then tuck them back into your heart so securely that by the time you use them, they are yellowed and dog-eared. If I say what I feel all the time....

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 10:29 PM

I see.....I see!

Oh, the power of revelation! The clarity! The brilliance of finally, finally drawing a link between an occurence and a recently discovered event in the past! I am awed! I am charmed! I am jubliant. Even though it had reached no definite conclusion before it withered away, but something that links two seemingly different things together is always a cause for celebration.

And so I will celebrate...by going back to physics. That silvery, slippery fish that slyly eludes my grasp. No matter, with realization comes determination. And a fresh wad of power to chew upon. The Students will prevail! No matter how much they toil, how much sweat (and blood) they spill, they will prevail.

Where dreams were made; 2:43 PM

Friday, May 02, 2008

....can you handle the truth?

Help me out said the eagle to the dove

I've fallen from my nest so high above

Help me fly

I am too afraid to try

Now saddled with a fear of heights

I'm praying you can set me right

Well, I don't know what to expect anymore. It's been quite leisurely-crazy today and extremely, extremely hot. I could feel the heat radiating off the glass. Sorta wished that I'd stayed at home, because half-way through I ran out of energy and excuses and had to go home anyway.

[c=14]Korbo.Lor[/c=0][c=16]bo.Jeetbo.[/c=14] the test, of character. says:
sigh
[c=14]Korbo.Lor[/c=0][c=16]bo.Jeetbo.[/c=14] the test, of character. says:
what a weary day
Rayne; It's in your smile. says:
indeed.
Rayne; It's in your smile. says:
I wonder why.

..but what came afterwards made me laugh. A little. Haha Noelle you did NOT just ask me that! Out of all the guys I know! Frankly I feel a little disappointed. X)

Please, I know that we're different
We were one cell in the sea in the beginning
And what we're made of was all the same once
We're not that different after all

Which in turn leads me to another song sang by Collin Raye. Man, if only history links came to me that easily.

Rayne
edit: Well, maybe if I tried singing it.....

Where dreams were made; 9:12 PM

Thursday, May 01, 2008

At a time when mugging should be the top priority, but.....

Hey, everybody's got to take a break, right? ;)

Cupcakes!! <3!>D

Oh, and in the midst of cupcake madness:

parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme says:
WHAT ABOUT ENZYMES AND BIOMOLECULES DO WE NEED TO KNOW?
Rayne; It's in your smile. says:
ER
Rayne; It's in your smile. says:
everything..?
Rayne; It's in your smile. says:
I suppose??
parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme says:
you be careful
parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme says:
EVERYTHING means a LOT more than you can imagine!
parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme says:
RAYNE!
parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme says:
WHAT DO WE NEED TO KNOW!
parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme says:
AAAAAH
Rayne; It's in your smile. says:
I DUNNO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rayne; It's in your smile. says:
D:
Rayne; It's in your smile. says:
BIO LEAVES ME WITH A SENSE OF LOSS
Rayne; It's in your smile. says:
I'M LOOKING AT CUPCAKES
parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme says:
grrrraaaahah
Rayne; It's in your smile. says:
look at them too!!!
Rayne; It's in your smile. says:
you'll feel more secure
Rayne; It's in your smile. says:
X)

And then I sent her the link, and I hope she viewed it too.

Cupcake contentment! Now THAT's something bio-mugging can never do. XD

Rayne

Where dreams were made; 10:17 PM